I Am Different.

With my time here in El Salvador slowly ticking down to the two week mark, my heart aches with conflicting emotions. On one hand, I am so thrilled and excited to go back to the States and begin the next stage of my life. I'm scared that I will get back and my old life will be strange to me. I'm worried that my friends will be foreign to me and I wont be able to relate to their collegiate adventures. I passionately hope that no matter how much any of us have changed, TJWNCH will continue to be the amazing group of friends I've been blessed to call my best. I pray desperately that I won't forget about my time here in Central America, because it has changed me for the better. I don't want to lose the strength that I have found here. I am still me, just a more refined and ready for the world version. On the other hand, it saddens me that my time here is coming to an end. El Salvador has become a part of me. I've learned so much here; about myself, about God, about the nature of people and the world. People have told me that the first foreign country you visit always leaves a certain mark on you. I cannot help but think about my time here, and think about how short and sweet nine months is. It can't be summarized by pretty adjectives and well placed words. 99% of my time here was on a supernatural level, and it is though the rest of it just fell into place on an earthly time-scale. Most days I forget that I have a life waiting for me back home. I forget the first 18 years of life that I lived wholly unaware of a bigger world out there waiting for my exploration. I forget the insecurities I suffered throughout high school. I forget the impact that a simple fast-food restaurant made on my life. I forget the way my dad's ears are identical to my own, and the charming way he managed to pass along snorting in his DNA. I scan pictures on facebook of a life that is entirely my own, and yet for the most part it seems like an incredible dream my mind conjured up. I look forward to my momma's visit here during my last week, and yet I picture picking her up from the airport and it seems so surreal. A little piece of my old life stuck square in the middle of my new one. I can only imagine the culture shock I will go through, not because the United States is so drastically different landscape wise, but because of the people. I've been surrounded by a culture of natural givers long enough to realize I prefer a genuine smile and "how are you" to a calculated greeting based on what's expected rather than a real concern for the well being of others. I know that not all people in the States are fake and spoiled. I'm just not looking forward to going back and being surrounded by people who have it very good, but still strive for the next big thing because that's just the way it is.

Looking back on where I was this time last year, my senior spring break was spent in Panama City, Florida. I smile and let loose a little chuckle when I think about how crazy and uncaring my girlfriends and I were. No one expected anything more from us than having fun and enjoying our youth while we still had it. I don't regret those times, simply because they made me who I am today. Plus, I love my girlfriends with all my heart, and the memories I made with them are some that I would never want to trade. Compared to where I am now, though, I seemed like a child when I was only one year younger. It's amazing what a little world experience and spiritual awakening will do to your perspective on life.

This year, I spent the first few days of spring break in the mountains with Young Life and a group of 30 kids from Virginia. The moment we met them was a bit of a culture shock. Just the way they stood and their demeanor screamed "I'm an American" and it warmed my heart how open they were to adding our little Global Year group into their masses. We spend four days with them, climbing and hiking mountains, swimming in rivers, socializing with the locals of the small town, painting, building latrines, and digging fish ponds. It was hard and grueling work, yet these high school kids ripe from the United States did not complain once. They signed their spring break away to work for a higher cause, and were greatly rewarded for it. Every morning I sat above the soccer field that over looked the mountains surrounding me and was continuously left breathless by the beauty and splendor before my eyes. My favorite moment of the entire trip was sitting there on that ledge, listening to "Revelation Song" as a huge bird soared over the trees in front of me and the wind softly caressed me. My heart flooded with euphoric emotion at feeling so in-tune with God's creation. It just shows how great God is that He would make anything with beauty at all. Everything that is magnificent just glorifies Him that much more. That Monday we said our goodbyes to those kids, and returned to San Salvador for one night's rest before we left for our vacation the next day. The trip to Guatemala was incredible. Not just because of the cutesy cobble-stoned street feel of Antigua, or the majestic views of Panajachel's lakeside cities, but because of the opportunity to view more of God's creation, and spend time as a team. I did, however, acquire a nasty flu on the trip, so my last four days of vacation plus some school time was spent in bed.

It's so late right now my mind is wandering and I don't even know where I'm going with all of this. I just know that tonight, we celebrated Easter as a team because on Sunday Amy and I were sick with the flu. I have never felt God's hand so prevalently on a church time of our team as I did tonight. We watched The Passion of the Christ and it was heartbreaking, but I was left with a feeling of giddiness that only the knowledge of my savior's love for me can bring about. Seeing a man beaten and bloodied and nailed upon a cross is gory and it is sickening, but even more so when I think about the fact that it really happened. It happened to MY savior. The savior of the world. I am more thankful each and everyday for His sacrifice for me, because I continuously screw up and fail to live up to Him. If it were not or Him, I would be hopeless and without direction. 

So, that's it. That's all life is really about. Continuously running up the down escalator despite the irritated and weirded out looks of those drifting slowly downward into oblivion. It's worth it, because I know an eternity of peace and adoration of God awaits me at the top. Life is but the journey, Heaven is the destination. So here's to finishing my time in El Salvador strong, and beginning the next stage of my journey strong in my faith. Here's to continuously failing because I'm human, and knowing that at the end of the day God still amazingly loves me just the same. Here's to living Biblically, not culturally. Here's to being grateful each and every second of the day for the blood shed on that cross for me, because if He comes back for me in my lifetime... I will be found ready.

All For His Glory,
Taylor