Heartbreak Warfare.

The past week I've been feeling something building inside of me. It wasn't necessarily a good or bad feeling, I just knew something was brooding in my heart and I couldn't figure out why it was making my emotions feel so up and down. I am tired. Sad. Angry. Happy. Content. Confused. Hurt. Unbelieveably faithful. It's so hard to figure out what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. I'm constantly surrounded by people I don't truely know and I see things everyday that hurt just to look at.

Our team has been unbearably separated and distant and hateful with each other for a while now, and on Tuesday during Discipleship class with Pastor Mario we laid it all out in the open. Everyone let it be known how they were feeling towards everyone in the group. It was decided that the boys are going to move out. It will give us girls a better chance to bond and get to know each other without the distraction of testosterone overload hanging around, and it will give the boys a chance to just be boys and not feel so suffocated by six girls. We also decided that switching roomates for a week would be a great way to get to know each other more personally. I'm paired up with Tiffany for the time being, and when she found out she had to room with me she claimed to be having a panic attack in her mind. I don't know why anyone would be afraid of getting to know me, but it's all good now. The change in the atmosphere of the group is tangable. Everyone's attitudes are already changing for the better. We're all 18 or 19 years old, so we all just have a lot of growing up to do. We have to learn how to accept each other and love each other even when we don't understand. We're called to, so we must do it.

The past week has been pretty standard. Our routine here is pretty monotonous unless something special is going on. Mondays we hang around the house and get some rest. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays we have school until 12:30 and then either Discipleship, Evangelism, or Seminary classes until 2:30/3:30. Wednesdays we go to school, and then attend church at night. Saturdays we go to the Rescue Ministry for the homeless and attend youth group at night. Sundays are consumed with church and evangelism. This past Sunday we teamed up with one of the daughter churches, Iglesia Bautista La Gloria, to go out in the community and share our testimonies door-to-door. Katelyn was my partner, and her stage fright got the best of her. She's constantly having to battle it and I sympathize with her so much. I remember days in middle school where I would turn bright red in front of my class and rush through presentations so I could just sit down and have everyone stop looking at me. I decided to ease her of her misery and shared my testimony with all of the houses willing to hear. It is physically and emotionally draining sharing the story of your life. Everytime you share it you have a new hope that you will touch your audience and that they will come to know Christ, and everytime they turn you away (not necessarily impolitely) you feel disappointed. I know that when the day comes where my story leads someone to their salvation, every failure and rejection will be made worth it.

The kids had a teacher work day today so they didn't have classes. We, however, still went to school for Seminary and Spanish class. Our Seminary teacher was unable to show up because he was called into a meeting, and one of our Spanish teachers was a no-show, so we sat around for four hours and had only one hour of classes. Somehow I didn't get frustrated at the way the day turned out. Our church is located right next to a poor area. Our classroom is on the top floor, so while the others were on their computers, Wes and I stepped out and sat by the back stairs. All I did was let the wind blow through my hair as I observed the community below. The houses are literally stacked one on top of the other and children run through the alleys between buildings. Some of the men down there have an aura of such anger surrounding them. I don't know what they've been through. I don't know their circumstances. All I know is that I wish there was something I could do to strip them of their anger and fears. I wish I was more than a inexperienced eighteen year old girl. That building feeling of something I've been having all week finally exploded in my heart. A sense of complete calm and serenity has washed over me and I know that God is preparing my heart for the day when I'll have the means to help these people. I'm going to change the life of someone someday. God has it all figured out, so I have no need to worry.

I complain because we have so much downtime and that I thought I was going to be experiencing life changing events. I was so consummed by my disappointment in the excess of bordum that I never realized how much this truely is changing me. I am letting the control of my life slip through my fingers and into God's open arms. I am letting my pride fly away on the wind and not letting petty thoughts poison my mind. I am figuring out that I have so much to offer this world because of the chances I've been blessed with. I am looking out my windows and seeing the hurt of the world. I'm letting myself be changed, because if we never let the things that make our heart ache truely change us, then we are lost. I am becoming who I am meant to be, one day at a time.

All for His Glory,
Taylor

Here's Lookin' At You Kid.

How precious do we really consider life? Do we really think about how little time we have, or do we just live everyday like we have all the time in world? I lost one of my friends yesterday. He is the first person I've ever known that's died and I honestly don't know how to feel. It absolutely breaks my heart and my mind is like a movie reel of memories I've made with him playing over and over again. I remember looking out my window at my house and seeing him riding his bike down the street or riding a skateboard. He always seemed to have a cast or an injury growing up because he was so fearless and always hurt himself playing baseball or doing something crazy. He was always active and I envy his athletic ability even to this day. The first time I ever played Mario Tennis was in his basement. We would jump on John Paul Steele's trampoline for hours in our neighborhood. I would sit on the curb by his house while I watched him and my brother and the other boys of the neighborhood playing street hockey or any number of sports. The first time I ever listened to "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey was with him in Personal Fitness our junior year of high school. I remember laughing so hard because he was singing along to it like a fool. He didn't care what people thought of him. He was always joking around having a good time. I'm not going to lie, he wasn't my best friend in the world and I'm not going to pretend I knew everything about him. But he WAS my friend and I looked forward to managing the baseball team at Kell simply because I loved to see him play along with the other guys. Our Junior year I couldn't drive yet, and I remember feeling so cool because I got to ride home with him and his older brother from the games. I remember when all of sudden a bunch of my friends thought he was so cute and I again felt so smug because I had known him my whole life. I remember so many nights being on headset at Chick-Fil-A and his dad ordering a Dr. Pepper (no ice) and an Arnold Palmer for himself. It always made my day to see that family come through my drive-thru. I am so blessed to have reconnected with him in high school, because I would never trade hearing him call me "T-Timeeee" down the hallways for anything. The last time I ever saw him was at the Braves vs Mets game in early August. Seeing him didn't even register as something special in my mind, because he's always been there. He's always been in my life, so I never truely valued what an awesome kid he is. I don't even want to think about him in the past tense, because it doesn't seem possible that I can't hate on him for being a Yankees fan anymore.

 Now that I think about it, how many friends do I have that I've just let go because I "don't have time" to catch up or because I'm in another country? What kind of excuse is that? You can't put off being someone's friend for another day. Can you honestly say you know you'll be here another day? Is it worth risking never getting to say goodbye to someone? I can't help but think that if I had been home and had hung out with him I could have seen the signs. I could have said something. I could have reassured him that he had a whole brilliant life to live. I could have sung "Don't Stop Believin'" to him. I could have done anything. Suicide is such a sensitive subject. You will always think "if I could have just...bla bla bla". It's not anyone's fault, yet I know I can't help but wish I could have tried to reach him. At the end of the day it is what it is, and all we can do is pray that he's watching a Yankees game in Heaven right now.

I am not willing to let another life of a friend slip through my fingertips. I am not willing to let another life blink out of this world feeling like there is no other option. I am not willing to get another phone call saying one of my friends is dead. I am not willing to throw away a friendship because I don't have time. Each day is precious, because in the big picture...our days ARE numbered. So will we spend them mourning the days we should have made the most of, or will we learn from our yesterdays in order to make our tomorrow the best it can be?

Rest in peace, Zachary Quinn Grillo. Thanks to you I value each and every minute of the days I have left. Thanks to you I will never take another life for granted. Thanks to you I am a fan of Journey. Thanks to you I push myself to run just a little bit harder, because you could always run for miles. I will never forget you, and your entire family will forever be in my heart. You'll always be my favorite #7.

All for His Glory,
Taylor

Now I'm Free, Free Fallin'.

There is literally no silence here unless you go looking for it. With eight eighteen to nineteen year old kids living together, I guess it's to be expected. So I've escaped to the enormous front balcony to find some relief for my whirrling mind. I think it's about to rain, because the clouds are gigantic and a smokey blue grey color. They completely shroud the volcano in front of me in an ominous halo and the temperature has dropped significantly.

 I find it funny how I never realized how much of an introvert I can be sometimes. I hate not having my own space to sit and think and just clear my head in. I hate having to constantly be held accountable for the way I'm feeling. Sometimes you just feel sad, or sometimes you just feel angry, just like sometimes you feel happy. No one questions you when you're happy, so why does there always have to be something wrong if I just don't feel like smiling 24/7? I along with others are beginning to feel the strain of living with such a diverse group of individuals. I know I personally feel trapped being in the house and the church and the school all day, everyday. There is so much more to this country than just San Salvador, and thus far I feel like I'm nestled in my little safe cocoon not experiencing what the country has to offer. I know that eventually we will be able to go through the country and explore it's treasures, just right now when I'm feeling so disconnected from the majority of the group I feel more suffocated than ever.

I know who I am. I know how certain situations make me feel, and I know how to react to different types of personalities that clash with my own. I know how to listen to someone. I know I'm terrible at expressing how I feel unless it's on paper. I am fortunate enough to have gone through some of the hardest moments of my life, because they have made me into who I am today sooner and more severely than most ever get to. I was talking to my dad today and he made such a good point about life. The things I'm going through now with the attitudes of people here are so similar to the things I experienced with my softball team three years ago. It's funny how situations parallel to each other and prepare you for dealing with them each time they present themselves to you. I know that the only way our team is going to get through this is if we get a wake up call. We are here for a single purpose: to stand united in order to imerse ourselves in the language and culture of El Salvador for the glory of God. If we allow little things about each other get under our skin, we will never accomplish our goal fully, and I garuntee we will look back on this year and regret not making the most of it. We simply need a better understanding of each other. We are the way we are because of something that we've experienced before. If certain things bother you about someone, so what? Get over it, because life isn't about cotton candy and fairies. Either you accept that people are who they are and let yourself adapt to being around them, or you let it consume you and destroy the central reason you came here in the first place.

I personally have grown so much closer to the Lord and discovered how being reliant on Him instead of things of this world makes the way people act seem so much more insignificant. We could all use a lot more of this in our lives. Are you going to let the things of this world control how you come out of it in the end? Are you going to allow the devil to infiltrate your heart and mind and ruin your work for God? Are you willing to let what someone else does affect the way you see the world? You have your own two eyes, so you're either going to use them to see in a whole new light, or you're going to look through goggles fogged by the outlook of someone else.

The clouds have turned black and the wind makes them move in wispy swirls that make my heart squeeze with fear of the storm to come. Nature is proof of how fleeting the things of this world are, and how precious every moment is. In one moment the world will be set on fire by the rain slashing against the earth and lightning tearing the sky open, and in the next moment the sun will pour through the clouds and signal all is well. If each moment is so fleeting, wouldn't it be better spent to dance in the rain than hide from it? Wouldn't it be better spent to bask in the sunlight and soak in it's rays than hide in the dark of the house, hidden behind the flourescent lighting of a computer screen? To each his own in how they want spend their life. Take it from my personal experience, hiding from the world or letting the negative things consume you never works out in the end. In the end God is the only answer. Are you willing to accpet that?

All for His Glory,
Taylor

Living Radical.

Today was by far the most inspirational Monday I've had in El Salvador since coming here. I would usually expect to be sitting around doing nothing but cleaning and being lazy. This morning, however, I awoke earlier than I would consider to be "sleeping in". It felt as though my blood was pulsing through my body and I had a newfound sense of purpose. I took care of mine and Kaylie's laundry and sat downstairs. I finished the book Radical by David Platt and it rocked my world. It's all about abandoning the concept of the "American Dream" (you know, the nice car, big house, huge savings accounts) for radical living for Jesus. The final chapter challenges us to take a year of our life, and implement five concepts in order to begin living the rest of our lives radically. The entire time I was reading this book my mind only pictured myself doing these things, not some fuzzy-faced person of my imagination.

1. Pray for the entire world- he gives a website that centers on a different country and their prayer requests each day, so by the end of the year you have literally prayed for the entire world. Just ponder that thought once more, in a year...I will have prayed for the ENTIRE WORLD. How huge is that?
2. Read through the entire Word- he challenges us to read the entire Bible, word for word, in a year. I am probably most excited for this because I have truely only been living as a Christian for a few months. I've never read the bible before.
3. Sacrifice your money for a specific purpose- it's all about putting caps on what you would normally spend your money on for luxuries, and putting that excess money towards someone who is suffering. We tend to think of ourselves as not rich, but look at it this way- do you have clean, runnnig water in your house and at the tips of your fingers? Do you have food on the table everyday? Do you have a warm bed to sleep in at night? If you answered "yes" to all of the above, you ARE rich compared to the rest of the world. Obviously as a student here in El Salvador I won't be able to do and give as much as I would like, but I will never be short of a giving heart.
4. Spend your time in another context- basically take yourself out of your comfort zone, whether it be a different town or a different country, for the sake of forming relationships. It would be so easy to simply send money where it's needed, but what is a check compared to the time and passion it requires to actually put yourself where the need is? I'm living it right now, and there is nothing more humbling than being right in the middle of the needs of people.
5. Commit your life to a multiplying community- making disciples takes time, and it requires patience. You have to nurture the relationships you form with people. Sure, everyone you share Jesus with isn't going to accpet him into their hearts, but even if there is just one person saved in a mass of one thousand, isn't it worth taking the time for the soul of that one person?

I called a group meeting today to discuss taking up this challenge with both hands and truely giving it a shot this year. Kirk and Wes chose otherwise, but the girls of this group have truely had a passion sparked in our hearts for this commitment. We've also decided that we would love to try to start a youth group for the students at the school. These kids go to a Christian school and some of them don't believe in God. We're with them everyday and have so many opportunities to impact their lives. What is one year, when it could decide the way I live my life for the rest of my exisitence on this earth? What is one worldly year, when it could decide if I am spending eternity in Heaven with my Father? I encourage everyone to read this book, not just because it has touched me personally and in a big way, but because it truely hits the error of the American Dream on the nose.

One year. Pray. Read. Sacrifice. Spend time. Commit your life. "So what happens when radical obedience to Christ becomes the new normal? Are you willing to see? You have a choice. You can cling to short-term treasures that you cannot keep, or you can live for long-term treasures that you cannot lose: people coming to Christ; men, women, and children living because they now have food; unreached tribes receiving the gospel. And the allconsuming satisfaction of knowing and experiencing Christ as the treasure above all others. You and I have an average of about seventy or eighty years on this earth. During these years we are bombarded with the temporary. Make money. Get stuff. Be comfortable. Live well. Have fun. In the middle of it all, we get blinded to the eternal. But it's there. You and I stand on the porch of eternity. Both of us will soon stand before God to give an account for our stewardship of the time, the resources, the gifts, and ultimately the gospel he has entrusted to us. When that day comes, I am convinced we will not wish we had given more of ourselves to living the American dream. We will not wish we had made more money, acquired more stuff, lived more comfortably, taken more vacations, watched more television, pursued greater retirement, or been more successful in the eyes of this world. Instead we will wish we had given more of ourselved to living for the day when every nation, tribe, people, and langauge will bow around the throne and sing the prases of the Savior who delights in radical obedience and the God who deserves eternal worship. Are you ready to live for this dream? Let's not waver any longer." (Platt 216-217).

All For His Glory,
 Taylor

Dios Te Bendiga.

I woke up this morning with a newfound sense of calm. As I was brushing my teeth I prayed so hard that today would be different. I prayed that I would see the homeless today and feel their pain, but also that the smile on my face would bring them some source of happiness. Their pain didn't make me sad like it usually does- it touched me to my very soul and each and every time I see them I feel that much more appreciative of everything I have waiting for me at home. We arrived and while we were waiting for the homeless to come into the cafeteria area, Leah, Tiffany, Kaylie and I played tag with the children. They are so sweet and eager to run around and let loose. They wanted our bracelets, so I gave away two of mine. There is one girl, probably in her early twenties, in particular that catches my attention every week. Supposedly she might actually be a transvestite, but regardless she always talks to me. Today she pointed to my watch and gave me the puppy dog eyes. I asked her if she wanted it and she nodded yes. I've never given anything away before. I don't know if it's because I've never had the opportunity or if it's just because I've been so oblivious of other's needs before. I took it off without a second thought and wrapped it around her wrist. I can buy a new watch anytime, but she can't even feed herself on a regular basis. Sharing that kind of connection with someone is something I've never experienced before and it was truely eye opening. What have I been holding back? Who could I have helped while I was wrapped up in my own problems? The past is in the past, but I look forward to living in a giving light from now on. Wes shared his testimony today. It was inspiring and the people reacted to him so positively. He has a gift for making connections with people no matter what their situation is, and I feel blessed to be able to observe it in action. While we were waiting outside for our driver to pick us up, there was an elderly lady struggling to walk away from the church. I'm not sure if it was a birth defect or if she was in an accident of some sort, but her left leg looked as though she had no knee cap or ligaments. It bends both ways instead of just backwards. To see her struggle just to do something as simple as walking was heartbreaking. So I'm thinking, I struggle everyday with my self-image, but my left leg works perfectly. In fact all of my limbs and every part of my body work perfectly, so why have I been wasting precious energy degrading myself when there is nothing wrong with me? Why do we ever say our bodies aren't good looking enough? We are made in God's image, so we are absolutely beautiful just the way we are. I feel foolish, but everyday is a new step towards loving myself the way I should.

Later today we'll be attending Jorge's rehearsal for his concert again. I have my first real small group metting at 3:30 and I cannot wait to begin forming friendships with these girls. We have La Red (youth group) tonight. I adore the people that attend there. They're always so welcoming and armed with a smile and a hug. Afterwards we're going to a sports bar to watch the El Salvador vs Honduras futbol (soccer ;) ) game. It's so weird that we're going to be watching a soccer game while my friends back home will be crowded around their TVs watching their favorite college football team begin the season. GO DAWGS! Talk about culture shock, eh?

My spanish is really coming along, but I have so much I have to learn. Not only about the language but about the people here and especially myself. You always think you know all there is to know about yourself, because...well duh...it's you. I've already learned so many things about myself I never knew before. I'm going to return home after this experience the best version of myself I can be.

All for His Glory,
 Taylor

It's An Uphill Climb.

The best cure for worry is to let yourself be inspired by something so spectacular, your worry seems infantile in comparison. Whenever I find myself feeling gloomy or thinking about something I let trouble me, I look out the window of our manual van as it struggles to make it up the hills of the street. If there is one thing about El Salvador that never fails to amaze me, it's that the landscape is irrevocably and immeasureably beautiful. It is so green. Houses are splattered across the hills literally one on top of the other. Even the newer looking houses show signs of wear and age, but it only adds to their character. The people here walk along the road and you can tell by their faces that they've seen things, been places, and experienced a thousand moments that have forever changed them. There is one elderly lady in particular that screams at my heart. She sits in her fold-up chair beneath an overpass everyday covered in blankets. There is almost always someone crouched down in front of her, talking to her, offering her food, or offering some sort of assistance. This woman more than likely lived through El Salvador's civil war. She has more than likely lived through a number of natural disasters that plague this country year after year. She has lived through just as many rainy seasons as she has dry seasons, and yet she still manages to muster through to every new day. I have been blessed to have never had to go without. I'm not talking just food, but shelter, clean water, or even just a lack of love is something that has never been prevelent in my life. I could go to downtown Atlanta any day of the week and spot a homeless person on the side of the road, but the homeless of Atlanta are living easy compared to what goes on here. I see children starving on the street everyday on my way to school, and I think why? Why is an innocent child allowed to go hungry day after day? It's so hard to let them pass me by, but it has taught me that there is nothing more powerful I can give them than a prayer to God to touch their lives. Seeing the devestation and hunger in the eyes of the people here have brought me closer to God and I am so thankful for everything I have been blessed with. The best thing about El Salvador is that despite their hunger and neediness, the people of this country have such strength. Their happy disposition never fails to shine through to the very tips of their toes.

Discipleship today with Pastor Mario was eye opening on a whole new level. We discussed Luke 9:23. Basically he showed us that we have to sacrifice ourselves everyday to honor the sacrifice Jesus made for us, so that we may save the lost in this world. What is an earthly need compared to the eternal life of another human? I sat and thought about whether or not I was willing to deny myself in order to glorify God. Absolutely, right? I could walk up to a stranger and talk about the work that God is doing in my life no problem. The sad thing is, what if I knew that stranger? What if it was someone I know intimately? Would I be willing to put "decency" to the side in order to ensure my closest friends and family are with me in Heaven someday? The answer should be a resounding YES, but it's a frightening prospect to risk a friendship in order to put the word of God into action. So my question is this: are we really letting Jesus shine through us in every aspect of our lives, or are we decompartmentalizing where His influence can touch? I want to walk down the street, or a hallway in the school, or even when I go home to Chick-Fil-A, and have people see there's something different about me. My heart and mind will forever be changed by my relationship with God, but what does that mean if I'm the only one who knows of it's significance?

Today is Kirby's ninteenth birthday! We're having a party for her and Katelyn (her birthday is Saturday) tonight and I for one am thankful for these days because they represent the beginning of their lives. We all have to begin somewhere.

All for His Glory,
 Taylor