These Days.

My time here in El Salvador is approaching the three-month mark, and it seems like time has been rushing by. It's strange, because the longer I live here and grow accustomed to my new way of living, the more my life back in the United States seems farther and farther away. Just a second ago I was sitting on my bed reading my bible and I realized that I was content. The first couple of months I struggled every day not to miss the ease of being around people who know exactly who I am or just being able to go out and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I ride down the streets in our van, sitting in my spot in the back with the window open, and it just feels so normal. If I were home, I would be going to KSU, driving around in my car, going to work, watching T.V. and eating all sorts of high-saturated fat filled foods. The ability of the human mind and body to adjust to being in a new place astounds me. Where before I was struggling to just accept things enough to get through them, they have become a normal part of my day.

Today was a pretty spectacular day. I knew it was going to be a good one the moment I woke up. I just had a feeling, and my heart felt lighter and more at ease than it has in a long time. I was even able to get more into the church service than I normally do. The band played all of my favorite songs and I was able to just go to a peaceful place in my heart and just love on God. In the afternoon I talked to my mom, grandmother and my dad. It was so incredibly good to hear their voices. As I enjoy my time here more and more, I get that much more excited for December because being here has pushed my love and adoration for my family and friends to the very front of my mind. I can't wait to go home and put the things I've been going through and learning here into action in my real world! Today the girls and I went to Puerta del Diablo (The Devil's Door) and climbed it with our host parents and sister. It's a beautiful mountain and the excercise was long over-due. ;) Kaylie, Leah and I rode in the back of the truck on the way there, and I just sat back and enjoyed the view as the truck climbed higher and higher.


  No matter how long I live here, I don't think the sheer beauty of this country will ever fail to take my breath away.

 It was so much fun to be able to just kick back and bond with our "family".



Mami y Papi

 On the way back down the mountain, all of us girls but Kirby (she's afraid of heights) rode a little zip-line to the bottom. It was a huge adrenaline rush even though it was just a baby zip-line.

 Some guys that we had met on our treck up surrounded me after and requested that I take pictures with them. They kept calling me a celebrity and I kept laughing and denying it, but the sad thing is is that they genuinely do put us up on a pedistool. Even at the school we are admired just for being Americans, and being different. I can't say I hate the affection they have for us, because I love to love peope and they are so eager to talk with us. I just hope that they can see past who they think we are, and get to know us well enough to discover who we really are. Jesus is the only one worth praising. Perhaps our celebrity amongst the people can be the key to sharing our hearts and relationships with God with them. Our mom also took us out to eat afterwards and we all realized, for the hundreth time, that we tend to eat far too much for normal human beings.

Tomorrow the entire group is headed to the beach for the day. Now that the kids are out of school and we don't teach anymore English classes this semester, we have more free time. Our next few weeks are going to be pretty busy, and I for one cannot wait to see what God has in store for our team for the last stretch of our time here. We're going to be visiting more of the country in our Seminary class. It will be a great way to go out and actually SEE what we're learning about. We're also planning a few more trips to the beach, the mountains, and even a day trip to some ruins here in the country. I'm finally starting to feel like I actually live in this country instead of feeling like an honored guest. The more and more I settle into my new found sense of Him in all things I do, the more I know my future holds something incredible. I'm content to enjoy this rollercoaster they call "life". Through the nerve wracking and heart grasping rises to the top and the stomach taking plunges over the edge, I know I will never fall off with God strapping me in.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Take It All.

Sunday not only did I fail epically at Evangelizing, but I also fell off of a skateboard and bruised my tailbone. Two days later and I was sitting at our school minding my own business (reading my Bible for pete's sake) and kids playing soccer with a water bottle hit me in the face with their bottle. So now, I have a bruised bum, and a gnarly looking blackeye. You would think that I would be miserable, but strangely I feel so ALIVE. My nerves are buzzing with excitement over something I can't put into words. All I did today was go to class and read my Bible for a few hours. Yet I find myself increasingly happier and just content to sit and dive into God's word. Every day I fall more and more into just letting go of this world and finding my joy through Him. Today I was reading in Matthew about the crucifixtion of Jesus and His resurrection, and I am reeling from the aftershock of thankfulness I am left with. I am so unworthy, and I realized that there is nothing that I can do during my time here in El Salvador that would be more beneficial than just sitting back and letting myself fall more and more in love with MY GOD! I know Christians go through highs and lows of their "fire" for God. It's normal some days to feel like, hey I'm just not feeling God today even though I know He's always there. I'm going to ride this fire until I can't feel it burning anymore, and then I'm going to find some way to set my soul ablaze again. Maybe if I fuel myself enough every single day, I won't ever have to loose this new light in my life. I don't plan to let this go. I don't plan to ever go back to the way I was before. I don't plan to fall back into being a complacent Christian. Skeptics constantly ask, why should I believe in something that I have no tangible proof of? Well that's faith isn't it? I don't need to see it to believe it, but right about now...I'm feeling something MAJOR stirring inside of me. I'm leaving the desert of my past behind me. I'm revelling in the storm brewing in my heart and mind and soul this very second. I'm welcoming the thunder and lightning and torrential rain that await me in my future. Here I am, Lord. Pour over me.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I Run To Your Arms Of Love.

So here's straight up how it is. I've been living as a Christian for what, maybe three months tops? I've come to realize that I have abosolutely no idea what I'm doing. I've spent the last three years of my life trying to be the rock of my family. Nothing could touch me. Nothing could get to me. I always had to be that shoulder everyone could cry on. It ashamed me those few times I did break down in front of someone else. So now I'm faced with the prospect of completely tearing down all the walls I've worked so long to perfect in order to give my life competely to God. It's excruciating. I feel numb. It's affecting my personality and I know I'm not being myself. What can I do? Pray. I pray everyday for the strength to just make it through the day without breaking down. I pray that God will consume me and take the reigns of my life. I pray that he will give me some sign that after all this time, something will finally be okay again. I've never had so many emotions coursing through my brain at one time. I feel like a child. I feel so ignorant. I feel helpless, but I'm slowly learning to just shut my mind up and say, "look, God is the one who loves you unconditionally, forever. Suck it up and just be." Unfortunately I've never been the type of person to just be able to flow without thinking about the future and what every decision I make will mean. The few times I've ever done that have backfired on me, and have caused my walls to build up layer after layer. The walls around my heart are fortified to the point I don't even know where to begin chipping them away. There's no one who can help me but God himself.

I came here thinking I was going to leave my old life behind and finally start anew. No more family drama. No more friend mishaps. No more caring about anything superficial and trivial. Don't get me wrong, I've never been the type of person to rely heavily on the things of this world. I've learned to become content with what I've been handed to me for a while now. I am human, though, and I've allowed those silly types of things to control my mind and every thought of everyday to the point I just want to run away and not have to look at anyone anymore. The past two months I've let the things of this world consume me more than I ever have in my life. I've acted moody. I've acted stupid. I've acted hateful for the sake of entertaining myself. I've acted callous and like I don't care. I've shut my entire team out so that they don't know how truely lost I am. I've lost sense of what made me who I am in the first place. Everything I've gone through to make me the strong human being I am today has been completely brushed off these past two months. I search my soul and I scream silent screams in the darkness, hot tears coursing down my face, because it hurts so much to recognize how lost I've become.

So the question is, am I going to trust in my inherent sense of what's right and what's wrong and just get over myself? Am I going to tear down the walls for the sake of letting my one true love take over my heart and soul? Am I going to allow myself to be changed, so that when I come home at the end of this people will stand up and notice that there's something different about me? Am I going to become the person God wants me to be, or will I just sit back and let my life happen to me?

I am silly.
I am stupid.
I am reckless.
I am unworthy.
I am a cheater.
I am a gossiper.
I have been a bad friend.
I have not been worthy of being loved by other human beings.
I have not been compassionate.
I have been selfish.

But... at the end of the day, those traits are human. God's love for me exceeds all human flaws because he knows I am incapable of being anything other than human. God will not, and does not need to chase after me. The biggest decision of a Christian's life is to accept Jesus as their Savior and then dedicate their lives to glorifying His sacrifice for us. I've got part one down, it's the second part I'm going to dedicate the rest of my time and energy on this trip and through the rest of my life to being the best I can be in the eyes of God. Think about it, the things you take pride in and the things you've accomplished and the things that you hold dear to your heart...does God take precedence over all of them? I know He doesn't in my life. It's all going to change though. Not instantly, because the things that are worth it are the hardest and most trying and time consuming to achieve. So I challenge you as I challenge myself. I challege us to destroy our former selves and let God's kingdom live within us. Not only live within us, but prosper like it's meant to. The time is going to come where God is truely my everything, and when that day comes everything else will fall into place. All He wants is to be the most important thing in my life. My reason for living.

WATCH THIS BEFORE MOVING ON.

If you think about it, really think about it, is that so much to ask? I cry out to God asking Him and begging Him to just make it "okay" and to bring me some sort of hope. When did "okay" become the goal in life? The day I decide that the things of this world mean nothing to me, is the day that everything I ever needed will be provided for me by my Lord. I am here to be a servant of the world around me, so that the things I do will glorify God. I am here to be a servant of the Lord, and a true servant does what is needed with no questions asked and without expecation of reward.

Matthew 25:45 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me". If I don't take every opportunity to serve, then I am not serving Christ. If I take every opportunity to serve, then I am serving Christ. It's time to snuff out the glamorous prospects of being "on fire for Jesus" and being a missionary, and just being a servant. In the words of my friend Nathan, "It's time I wait for the good stuff, and chase after the great stuff."

No more worries. My day is going to come.

All for HIS Glory,
Taylor

I Don't Want To Go Through The Motions.

Four days from now I will have been living in El Salvador for exactly two months. Where did the time go? Here's what I've learned thus far:
-Life is too short not to take advantage of everyday.
-Friends are too precious not to love them each and every time you see them or talk to them.
-God is the only one who can truely give me joy in this life.
-Jesus died for me, and because of that my life will be dedicated to honoring that sacrifice.
-Rules are made for a reason, and are meant to be respected. Following them is not an option.
-The other members of my team were chosen by God to be here for a reason, so it's up to me to respect them and decide to love them, even when all I want to do is run away.
-This experience is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I have no right to squander it by being discontent.
-Being discontent is a choice, just like being unhappy happens when we let ourselves fall under the mercy of things out of our control.
-I am in control of what I get out of this experience. Nothing anyone says or does can change that.
-God has a plan for me, but it's up to me to let him take control and make it happen.

September was a month of never ending rain and cold nights. It was a month of self-doubt and insecurity in myself and the decision I made by coming here. It was the last time I will ever let myself complain about having downtime. Some people don't even have a bed to sleep in, and I am mad that I have time to think and grow in my relationship with God. It was a month of letting my teammates quarrel and always resort back to being separated no matter how many times someone would bring us back together.

October greets me with a sunny morning and a cool wind to blow away my doubts. El Salvador is awake and pulsating today, as am I. The weather gets warmer and warmer, but I refuse to sweat the small things. I want to wake up every morning, feeling my heart beating, and know that I am alive. I am alive and as long as my heart beats, I will truely live for every moment to the fullest. My team is finally coming together, as we should be. We are united in our mission: to glorify God. We stand united against the evil in this world, and seeing our interactions is going to change the people we touch.

I miss the people I love at home everyday. As suprising as it sounds, I actually miss Chick-Fil-A too. Not the overpowering smell of chicken that follows me home after work every night, but the people who I've met there. That place has changed my life for the better. As much as I wish I could just spend a few days with my family and doing the things I'm accustomed to, there is work to be done here. At the beginning of this journey I told myself I was going to come out of it a changed person. I'm through with going through the motions here. Doing only what is necessary to look like I'm getting something out of it. I am going to take avantage of everyday, and at the end of this...the world I knew before will be rocked by my new presence in it. At the end of the day, this is all for my relationship with God. Some days I'll sit down and think about how different I was even last year. God keeps changing my life for the better over and over again, and I am floored by the extent of His love for us. We are not worthy. We are never thankful enough. We are so imperfect. We have the audacity to tell Him "no" over and over again and yet He is always there for us. He does not need us, but we will never see a day when we need Him any less. I refuse to come out of this life asking myself, "What if I had given everything"?

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

All For His Glory,
Taylor