As I watched God work through Wes I couldn't help but question why God didn't want to use me in such big ways. I kept getting more down and started questioning myself more and more. We were at a park and I looked up to begin begging God to use me again and there was a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky. It was like God was telling me just to relax, and that He had a plan for me. I immediately walked across the park to where Pastor Steve was standing and told him I would like to share my testimony at the service at church that night.
After the drama I was sent straight up in front of the people to share my story. There was no time to be nervous. There was no time to let my ever-thinking mind to get in my way. It was like I wasn't even speaking. The words just rolled off my tongue, and as I finished I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. Everyone applauded and I garuntee the people I've been working with here for months now saw a side of me they've never experienced before. People got saved that night because I let go and just let God do His thing.
Ever since then I've been going through a lot of spiritual warfare. It's like the closer you get to God the harder the devil tries to pull you away. I began questioning myself and allowing myself to become insecure again about my body and about my faith. Last night it got so bad that I ran up and down my street 3 times screaming in my head for the devil to try to get to me again. He has no chance. I am a warrior of God, so satan can bring it. God will use me no matter what, because no matter what happens to me in this life, I will cling to the Lord with everything I have in me.
I found out literally 10 minutes ago that my Grandmama (dad's mom) died. I was already feeling so down in the dumps today because there is tension in my team. I can't stand it when people fight. As soon as my mom told me the news I broke down into tears. I know my Grandmama is in a bettter place. She was one of the most spunky and brilliant people I've ever known. Although I honestly wasn't as close to her as I could have been, she is a part of me. I chose to play the violin in middle school because I admired her for being a concert violinist in the American Symphony. I treasured the phone calls when her voice was clear and you could tell she was feeling better. She fought sickness and old age like she was in a boxing ring. Everytime she got knocked down she got back up and threw her opponent against the ropes. I am so angry with myself because I wasn't the grandaughter I should have been. I could have called more. I could have visited more. I could have, would have, should have done so many things for her that I will never be able to do again. All I have now is the renewed sense of God in my life, and the realization that I cannot continue to take the precious people in my life for granted.
So, Grandmama, if you're reading this from Heaven right now, I am sorry I let you go without a better sense of who I have become because of you. I love you so much, and my heart is breaking because you are gone. I know that you're in a better place, and that all of your pain is gone and that you are with our Savior at this very moment. In that sense I envy you, but I know that my time here on this earth is not complete. I will spend the rest of my life glorifying God and hopefully making you proud. I love you.
Friends, family and whoever takes the time to read this blog- don't waste another second worrying about petty differences and the things of this world. Life is hard, but life is also short. Use your time wisely so that when the day comes for you to leave this earth, you know that you will be embraced by our Father at the end of the line.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
