On That Note...

After two months back home in the States I decided that writing keeps me accountable in a way that nothing else can. It soothes my soul and releases tension, sometimes when I don't even realize I'm tense.

I've also realized that I'm doing a pretty bang-up job of screwing up everything that I learned in El Salvador. I just now realized again something I had realized long ago: that I'm nothing without Him, so what on earth have I been doing? I'm firmly putting my foot down on my failure and starting new at tblankstein.blogspot.com.

Fittingly it's called "Less Than Perfect", because I know I will never be absolutely perfect. I know that He is the only perfect thing about me, but I am making a change today. My United States self should be no different from my El Salvador self, and that starts NOW.

Here's to rediscovering what I've lost, and being surprised by what I might find I've been missing all along. To those of you who have been following me from the beginning: thank you. You all have no idea how much of encouragement your kind comments have meant to me. Please continue to follow my journey with Christ in this next chapter of living all for His glory and share how He's using you. I love you all.

Less than perfect and always for His glory,
Taylor

I Am All For His Glory.

My last week in El Salvador was heart wrenching, emotionally draining, beautiful, amazing, and by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced. My mom arrived Sunday afternoon, and I felt a strange senese of forboding wash over me as I hugged my beautiful momma. She was the best part of my life in the United States placed smack dab in the middle of my personal journey in El Salv. Seeing her made me realize that my time was drawing to an end, and it scared me. How could I possibly go back to the place I grew up and be happy after living in a land of endless adventure and beauty for so many months? Do I have the strength and the Faith required to stay true to what I believe? For the most part those feelings didn't bother me too much during her stay, although occasionally I found myself listening to the latest news of home and realizing just how different I have truely become.

The time I spent with her is invaulable to me. She is one of my best friends and the best mom I could ever ask for. Monday was our last time at Exodo and I am so glad she was able to experience that. It's funny how we never realize how much things mean to us, especially the little things, until we have to give them up. It was so heart warming to see my mom love on those kids like the mother they need so badly. It didn't matter where they had come from or what they had been through, she held them in her arms and played with them like they were her own. The whole time we were there I tried so hard to get in as much time with those kids as I could. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry, because this wasn't goodbye. I would see them again someday, even if it's in Heaven. I stayed strong until the very end, when I had to say goodbye to 4 year old Blanca, who stole a special part of my heart. I picked her up and gave her one last hug, and she began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears that started pouring out of my eyes. I didn't want to be another person she invested in only to have them leave her in the end. No group had ever spent an extended amount of time with those kids. I pray that the team next year will fall in love with them as I have, and treat them with the heart of love that Jesus possessed.

That next day Wes's mom and grandmother came. We went to Puerta del Diablo because I knew it was a view that takes your breath away and that was exactly what both of our moms needed. Mine and Wes's mom were daring enough to climb Puerta del Diablo with me and Wes in the rain, and when we reached the top I sensed the weight of their lives back home slowly begin to lift away from them. God was clearly present that day. I pray that one day in the future I will climb that mountain again, and remember how close to God I felt in that moment and in my time in El Salvador.

It was definitely a struggle learning to accept that not all people are like Salvadorians. I became so comfortable in my little God centered world in that tiny country, and it weakened me. How can I only have Faith and be Christ-like when it's easy? It's been a hard lesson to learn, but I know that it's God shaping me and carving me into someone who can Glorify His name. I cannot wait to get back to the States and just love on all of the people I left behind. I am different, and I hope that it will be an inspiration for those who have lost their way.

Thursday, our last time at Metamorfosis, was by far the hardest and most God-filled. We walked into that building and the faces of those amazing men lit up instantaneously. They had a whole going away ceremony planned for us, and some of the men shared their testimoies with us. To hear of those men, coming from lives so broken and so hopeless, and seeing how they have been completely delivered in Christ was absolutley INSANE. It makes me realize just how big God is, and gives me hope that anyone can change in Him. They thanked us for accepting them when most of their fellow country men would not. They thanked us for showing them the love of Christ, when they had experienced so many moments of darkness. I don't think they even realize how much we owe them. They are some of the most kind and incredble people I've ever met, and they are an inspirational testimony of God's power and mercy. I cried tears of joy and sadness as I had to say goodbye to them, but I know that I will see them again in Heaven as well, and that makes it all the more sweeter.

Friday was graduation. That morning at rehearsal our team was set against each other. Fighting, bickering and being absolutely horrible. I know it was Satan trying to tear us apart when we were so close to finishing strong. Amy prayed over us and by that night, we were united once again in Christ and in my speech, I challenged them to remember the person they used to be, and to stand firm in  who they are today. God was the only reason I was able to share those words. I was so afraid to mess up. I was so doubting of the spanish I had learned. I was so weak, and so unprepared. God showed up, though, and it flowed for His glory.
Saying goodbye to the people in El Salvador, was quite honestly miserable. I didn't want to leave them. They accepted me as one of their own and loved me every single day. I didn't want to give that up. I know in my heart that I will return one day, but for now I have to be firm in God's will for me and keep their faces burned into my memories. I can never forget them.

It's funny how going back to the US scares me more than the prospect of going to a country like China, where people are killed for sharing Christ. At least in China I would know clearly who my enemy is. The dangers are obvious and frightening there, but the dangers back home are far more terrifying. They are on a spiritual level. Satan will work subtly to break down the things I know are true. He will more than likely use people who only want the best for me to make me believe living culturally is better than standing firm in the Truth. As scared and as nervous as I am, a calm peace is washing over me as my plane is descending into Atlanta. God is with me. I will never lose my faith in Him. During those times where I am tempted, the times where I am broken, and even during the times when I think everything is going smoothly...He is with me. He is the master planner, and I know His plan for my life is GOOD.

So to sum up in a nutshell what I've taken from my experience in El Salvador: people, things, this Earth...they are all temporary. I will enjoy them while I'm here, and I will do my best to share with them the reason I have died in Christ and now find my life in Him. My personal journey with the Lord doesn't stop at the borders of El Salvador. It never stops. It's frightening and scary to think about what lays ahead of me in my future, but at the same time I cannot wait to just love people the way Jesus has loved me for the rest of my life.
Chapter 2 of my new life in Him begins today. God is with me. I am ready.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I Am Different.

With my time here in El Salvador slowly ticking down to the two week mark, my heart aches with conflicting emotions. On one hand, I am so thrilled and excited to go back to the States and begin the next stage of my life. I'm scared that I will get back and my old life will be strange to me. I'm worried that my friends will be foreign to me and I wont be able to relate to their collegiate adventures. I passionately hope that no matter how much any of us have changed, TJWNCH will continue to be the amazing group of friends I've been blessed to call my best. I pray desperately that I won't forget about my time here in Central America, because it has changed me for the better. I don't want to lose the strength that I have found here. I am still me, just a more refined and ready for the world version. On the other hand, it saddens me that my time here is coming to an end. El Salvador has become a part of me. I've learned so much here; about myself, about God, about the nature of people and the world. People have told me that the first foreign country you visit always leaves a certain mark on you. I cannot help but think about my time here, and think about how short and sweet nine months is. It can't be summarized by pretty adjectives and well placed words. 99% of my time here was on a supernatural level, and it is though the rest of it just fell into place on an earthly time-scale. Most days I forget that I have a life waiting for me back home. I forget the first 18 years of life that I lived wholly unaware of a bigger world out there waiting for my exploration. I forget the insecurities I suffered throughout high school. I forget the impact that a simple fast-food restaurant made on my life. I forget the way my dad's ears are identical to my own, and the charming way he managed to pass along snorting in his DNA. I scan pictures on facebook of a life that is entirely my own, and yet for the most part it seems like an incredible dream my mind conjured up. I look forward to my momma's visit here during my last week, and yet I picture picking her up from the airport and it seems so surreal. A little piece of my old life stuck square in the middle of my new one. I can only imagine the culture shock I will go through, not because the United States is so drastically different landscape wise, but because of the people. I've been surrounded by a culture of natural givers long enough to realize I prefer a genuine smile and "how are you" to a calculated greeting based on what's expected rather than a real concern for the well being of others. I know that not all people in the States are fake and spoiled. I'm just not looking forward to going back and being surrounded by people who have it very good, but still strive for the next big thing because that's just the way it is.

Looking back on where I was this time last year, my senior spring break was spent in Panama City, Florida. I smile and let loose a little chuckle when I think about how crazy and uncaring my girlfriends and I were. No one expected anything more from us than having fun and enjoying our youth while we still had it. I don't regret those times, simply because they made me who I am today. Plus, I love my girlfriends with all my heart, and the memories I made with them are some that I would never want to trade. Compared to where I am now, though, I seemed like a child when I was only one year younger. It's amazing what a little world experience and spiritual awakening will do to your perspective on life.

This year, I spent the first few days of spring break in the mountains with Young Life and a group of 30 kids from Virginia. The moment we met them was a bit of a culture shock. Just the way they stood and their demeanor screamed "I'm an American" and it warmed my heart how open they were to adding our little Global Year group into their masses. We spend four days with them, climbing and hiking mountains, swimming in rivers, socializing with the locals of the small town, painting, building latrines, and digging fish ponds. It was hard and grueling work, yet these high school kids ripe from the United States did not complain once. They signed their spring break away to work for a higher cause, and were greatly rewarded for it. Every morning I sat above the soccer field that over looked the mountains surrounding me and was continuously left breathless by the beauty and splendor before my eyes. My favorite moment of the entire trip was sitting there on that ledge, listening to "Revelation Song" as a huge bird soared over the trees in front of me and the wind softly caressed me. My heart flooded with euphoric emotion at feeling so in-tune with God's creation. It just shows how great God is that He would make anything with beauty at all. Everything that is magnificent just glorifies Him that much more. That Monday we said our goodbyes to those kids, and returned to San Salvador for one night's rest before we left for our vacation the next day. The trip to Guatemala was incredible. Not just because of the cutesy cobble-stoned street feel of Antigua, or the majestic views of Panajachel's lakeside cities, but because of the opportunity to view more of God's creation, and spend time as a team. I did, however, acquire a nasty flu on the trip, so my last four days of vacation plus some school time was spent in bed.

It's so late right now my mind is wandering and I don't even know where I'm going with all of this. I just know that tonight, we celebrated Easter as a team because on Sunday Amy and I were sick with the flu. I have never felt God's hand so prevalently on a church time of our team as I did tonight. We watched The Passion of the Christ and it was heartbreaking, but I was left with a feeling of giddiness that only the knowledge of my savior's love for me can bring about. Seeing a man beaten and bloodied and nailed upon a cross is gory and it is sickening, but even more so when I think about the fact that it really happened. It happened to MY savior. The savior of the world. I am more thankful each and everyday for His sacrifice for me, because I continuously screw up and fail to live up to Him. If it were not or Him, I would be hopeless and without direction. 

So, that's it. That's all life is really about. Continuously running up the down escalator despite the irritated and weirded out looks of those drifting slowly downward into oblivion. It's worth it, because I know an eternity of peace and adoration of God awaits me at the top. Life is but the journey, Heaven is the destination. So here's to finishing my time in El Salvador strong, and beginning the next stage of my journey strong in my faith. Here's to continuously failing because I'm human, and knowing that at the end of the day God still amazingly loves me just the same. Here's to living Biblically, not culturally. Here's to being grateful each and every second of the day for the blood shed on that cross for me, because if He comes back for me in my lifetime... I will be found ready.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I Am Faithful.

I sit in my room during dry season, and listen in wonder as the rain pours from the sky above me. It is so odd for it to be raining at all during this time of the year, let alone pouring. I sit here thinking about the rain, and all that has to happen in order for the miracle of water showering from the sky to even be possible. Everything in this world is so perfectly fine-tuned, that something as simple as a raindrop has left me breathless at the wonder that is God.

It's been a long time since I've felt moved to write. Kaylie's sister Amy came to El Salvador to help lead our team in early March, and since she's been here I've talked about God more than I have in my entire life. It feels so good just to share about Him and learn about Him and get excited about Him! Because of this, I've left my writing untouched. I don't know what's so different about tonight. Maybe it's the rain, or maybe there's something supernatural in the air that God is stirring up...regardless, He has completely captured my attention tonight and He has moved me to share.

Giving my everything to God all day every day is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I get tired. I get moody. I get bored. I get all the emotions that a simple human being experiences, and they all seem determined to keep me from being excited about my savior. The more I get down, the more I am forced to give my everything to God to lift myself back up into His arms. I've realized that the more I give to Him, the easier it is every time. I'm sure you're thinking, well duh Taylor. It's not that simple, though. The Bible lays it out perfectly for us, but at the end of the day as with all things in life...it's so much easier said than done. Despite it being the hardest path to follow, for the first time in my life, I am completely content in my relationship with God. Of course I struggle with day to day things and being consumed by the distractions of the world, but with God it's like everything has this beautiful shining haze over it. God's touch is evident in everything. He has taught me so much about who I am and my purpose in this world.

 Before I knew about GAP Year I had decided that UGA was going to be my saving grace. God took that option away, and put El Salvador in my path. I came, and have become completely reliant on the Lord. During my time here I decided that I would go to KSU and then transfer to UGA later, but yet again God closed that door. This time not because I don't have what it takes to get into the school, but because he laid out a better option. I keep making decisions based on what I think is right for my future instead of asking God what truly is right for my future according to Him. One night Amy was telling me all about the school she went to, North Greenville University, and as she was talking I become overcome with emotion. I knew in my heart that the Lord wanted me to pursue a Christian education to prepare myself for a life full of missions.

God blessed us with free will because He wants us to come to know Him on our own. What good would  a bunch of booty-kissing robots be to Him? How would that glorify Him at all? It's a hard lesson to learn: His ways are higher than our ways. (Isaiah 55:9). So often we try to get things done with our own power. If I just work here long enough, then I'll have enough money saved up to do this later. If I go to school here, then I'll be able to do this in the future. If I marry this person, then I'll have a better life. We try to plan our future according to our culture and what will make life the easiest. Life does not work according to an "if then" statement. It does not work like a mathematical equation. What happened to Jesus saying "if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me"? (Luke 9:23). What happened to "do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". (Matthew 7:19-21).  If heaven is truly a reality for me, then what job I have, or where I go to school, or who I marry means nothing to me if those decisions are not made based off of God's will.

The Lord has drastically changed my life. I refuse to sit back and let life take me where it will, because life is saturated with the influence of the enemy. If I let it, life would drag me down until there was no getting up. No, that is not my fate. My fate rests in the hands of an almighty, all knowing, merciful and loving God. He is my everything, and I know that His plan for my life will glorify Him in ways that I cannot begin to imagine at this stage in my life. Being here in El Salvador has opened my mind to a whole new ballgame. Same game, just bigger and badder players. I can never win if I try to do anything ahead of God's timing, or against His will. He loves me so much that He came to earth in the flesh in the form of His only son and died for me. How else can I honor that sacrifice than by doing nothing less than giving everything I have in me to spreading His name?

Philippians 3:7-14 says, "...whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

What am I, or any of us, if we do not give everything to the one who promises us an eternity in heaven? I for one cannot continue to be so bold as to deny Him anything, when it all belongs to Him in the first place. I want to give Him everything, because I love Him. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".  (John 3:16)

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I am Healing.

The time that the team from New Season Church spent here was an incredible one. The whole week I kept begging God to be with me and use me to lead a lost soul to Him. Wednesday we went to a University and Win helped me lead a girl to Christ. It is the most incredible feeling that exists. It's better than any high you can find through drugs or an adrenaline rush. There is nothing like opening your heart to God and seeing what He is capable of doing through you. That same day Wes lead 18 people to Christ. It is unsuprising because he is so open to God's will and so ready to talk to people about his love for God.

As I watched God work through Wes I couldn't help but question why God didn't want to use me in such big ways. I kept getting more down and started questioning myself more and more. We were at a park and I looked up to begin begging God to use me again and there was a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky. It was like God was telling me just to relax, and that He had a plan for me. I immediately walked across the park to where Pastor Steve was standing and told him I would like to share my testimony at the service at church that night.

After the drama I was sent straight up in front of the people to share my story. There was no time to be nervous. There was no time to let my ever-thinking mind to get in my way. It was like I wasn't even speaking. The words just rolled off my tongue, and as I finished I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. Everyone applauded and I garuntee the people I've been working with here for months now saw a side of me they've never experienced before. People got saved that night because I let go and just let God do His thing.

Ever since then I've been going through a lot of spiritual warfare. It's like the closer you get to God the harder the devil tries to pull you away. I began questioning myself and allowing myself to become insecure again about my body and about my faith. Last night it got so bad that I ran up and down my street 3 times screaming in my head for the devil to try to get to me again. He has no chance. I am a warrior of God, so satan can bring it. God will use me no matter what, because no matter what happens to me in this life, I will cling to the Lord with everything I have in me.

I found out literally 10 minutes ago that my Grandmama (dad's mom) died. I was already feeling so down in the dumps today because there is tension in my team. I can't stand it when people fight. As soon as my mom told me the news I broke down into tears. I know my Grandmama is in a bettter place. She was one of the most spunky and brilliant people I've ever known. Although I honestly wasn't as close to her as I could have been, she is a part of me. I chose to play the violin in middle school because I admired her for being a concert violinist in the American Symphony. I treasured the phone calls when her voice was clear and you could tell she was feeling better. She fought sickness and old age like she was in a boxing ring. Everytime she got knocked down she got back up and threw her opponent against the ropes. I am so angry with myself because I wasn't the grandaughter I should have been. I could have called more. I could have visited more. I could have, would have, should have done so many things for her that I will never be able to do again. All I have now is the renewed sense of God in my life, and the realization that I cannot continue to take the precious people in my life for granted.



So, Grandmama, if you're reading this from Heaven right now, I am sorry I let you go without a better sense of who I have become because of you. I love you so much, and my heart is breaking because you are gone. I know that you're in a better place, and that all of your pain is gone and that you are with our Savior at this very moment. In that sense I envy you, but I know that my time here on this earth is not complete. I will spend the rest of my life glorifying God and hopefully making you proud. I love you.

Friends, family and whoever takes the time to read this blog- don't waste another second worrying about petty differences and the things of this world. Life is hard, but life is also short. Use your time wisely so that when the day comes for you to leave this earth, you know that you will be embraced by our Father at the end of the line.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I am Ready.

It's Saturday morning and I wake up at the usual seven o'clock A.M. to go to Rescate (the homeless ministry at my church). Today is the day I am supposed to start singing songs during the worship time, all in Spanish of course. I am a little nervous. I can feel the familiar sensation of light headedness creeping along my nerves and my hands begin to tremble. I am praying that God will just use me and my voice to open the hearts of the men and women that will come to sing with me. At least I try to pray, because Mama (bless her heart) loves to talk during our car rides together, so it's a little hard to get a word in edgewise to my bro Jesus Christ. I am expecting to meet my other teamates there, and possibly get Wes to film it so I can show my Momma the video and have her be proud of her singing partner. However, mom and I pull up and I am the only member of my team there, and it turns out none of them are coming. I'm in this thing alone, so I put a smile on my face and give up all of my thoughts of doubt and nerves to God. He is the only reason I am doing this. I personally don't find my voice to be anything spectacular, but if I can use it to touch the hearts of His children, then throw me a mic and let's get singing! One of the men that helps in the ministry is practicing his English with me as I show him which songs I will be singing. As I stand on the stage waiting for the homeless men to flow in from upstairs, I say another quick prayer. God give me strength and use me to make these people Yours. As soon as they are all seated, I am given a quick introduction because most of them recognize me. The music starts and I can barely hear it because of low volume and the pounding of my own heart. Not until the very last song did I truely feel the Holy Spirit working in me, and at that point I gave up trying to get the men to sing along with me and I just poured out my heart and sang to God. It was an incredible feeling, and afterwards many of them came up to me and complimented me on the performance. I know that with practice and time one of those men will fall to his knees and give up his life to God because I was there helping him along.

A lot of the time I find myself frowning at the thought of going out and evangelizing door-to-door because it just seems so futile. "Hi, I'm from the United States with a team of eight. Do you have a few minutes for me to share what God has been doing in my life? Alright sweet, see you later." Even if they do come to know Christ through my quick, watered-down testimony, how can I be sure they have really and truely surrendered their life to God? Becoming changed takes time. Yes, making the decision is a hard and enormous step to take, but if you don't continue up the staircase... you'll never get anywhere. I've realized, though, that even though I could share my testimony a million times I would never get any results unless God was with me and working in my audience. If I don't go out those million times, I'm stealing God's chances of rescuing His people, and who am I to deny Him anything?

Win (Wes's little brother), Steve Flockhart and his team from New Season church came that afternoon. They will all be here for the week, and it's been evangelism...evangelism...evangelism. I garuntee that this isn't what Win was expecting when he chose to come spend his February break in El Salvador with his big brother, but in the end I think he will be changed for the better by coming here. Saturday night we set up a little stage in a park. Win and I sat next to each other in the audience listening to the music and Pastor Steve's message. The entire time there was a homeless man named Alex sitting next to Win. He introduced himself, but because of the language barrier there was little real conversation. The entire time Alex sat next to Win, Win squirmed in his seat and was absolutely uncomfortable. Not because Alex was unclean. Not because Alex was bothering him. Not even because of his A.D.D. It was because Alex had no shoes on. I could see Win being convicted. He couldn't stand to see a man's feet bare and cracked because of so much hard use. Even though Steve's message was being translated into Spanish, you could tell the message wasn't getting to Alex, and so he got up and began to walk away. Win, without a second thought, followed him to the edge of the grass, stopped him and took the shoes off of his own feet and gave them to this man he knew nothing about. Alex, a man who would have walked away, hugged Win with the energy of a man who has experienced true kindness, and walked back to the chairs and receieved Christ. I got a glimpse of the kind of man Win will be someday, and I look forward to seeing him grow into that person. He is so like Wes in so many ways, and his ability to make friends whenever, wherever will, like Wes, allow him to show so many people the way to God. Not too shabby for a potential brother-in-law eh? ;)

That was Saturday, and after many activities, I have yet to really stand up and make an impact in someone's life. I know in my heart and soul that I have a story and a passion for God that He can use to change someone. I'm forcing myself to keep my head up, and know that as long as I keep myself open to His will, He will use me when the time is right.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I am Loved.

We so often describe love as some unatainable goal or a state of mind or a mushy feeling we experience every once in a while. We throw around the word love like it has no more significance than the word hamburger. When does love get the credit it deserves? Love is about caring for another human being, not necessarily a significant other, but anyone. A stranger walking down the street. Your parents and family. Your friends. Love is about giving someone the affection and devotion they deserve even when they don't do everything right, and especially when it seems like they do everything wrong. Love is about God. Love IS God. What greater act of love is there than Him giving His ONLY son for us on the cross, simply because He loves us that much.

Titus 3:5 "he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy..."

 We did nothing to deserve it, and there is nothing we can do to deserve it. Not from God, not from anyone. Love is a choice. Love rises above all.


My family has struggled financially for a few years now, and I remember the day when wanting to work was the deciding factor in quitting softball my senior year of high school. Yes, I was already burnt out and the sport didn't hold the same spark for me as it used to, but I would have played simply because it was my senior year. Money won out. I remember the days when I would worry about my family and our house and if we were going to be able to keep it or not. I remember the days when I would wrack my brains trying to understand what had happened to my old life. Nowadays, money means absolutely nothing to me. Yes, in a lot of ways it is necessary to survive. I am not naive. I just know that in the end, you don't get to bring it with you. I refuse to slave away at a job I don't necessarily love so that I will have a hefty retirement fund waiting for me at the end of my working life. I want to spend my life glorifying God with a husband who loves me for who I am. I want to show the world and those who I love that life is about experiences and recognizing those moments when God's presence is tangible around us. My mom is coming here in May even though money is extremely tight still at home. Money comes and money goes, but experiences like she will get to have here come rarely, if never at all. If we lose the house I've spent my entire life in, so be it. If I lose some of the luxuries I've been blessed with my entire life, so be it. I have a beautiful and incredible family who loves me, a soulmate that I know in my heart that God made just for me and God, who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. How could I ever complain about having to work a few extra hours at Chick-fil-a, when people are starving in the streets around me right here in San Salvador? How could I ever question my mother's money spending methods when I've been within inches of a malnourished baby, who's skin was stretched so tight over it's hollow little cheek bones it almost didn't look human? How DARE I, have the nerve to consider my self anything but rich for having the ability to live an educated life full of love and Jesus?

Leah went home to the States today, because her father is in a coma in the hospital. Even though she has been scarred and maintains a rocky at best relationship with this man, she left without hesitation to be by his side. That is real love. Loving someone, no matter what they've done to you and no matter how much you just don't want to go through the sacrifice of love anymore, will never stop being worthwhile in the end. That is Jesus inspired love. Love is the end goal. Not money. Not nice things. Not even stability in a world and a life that is so fleeting compared to the promise of eternity. Love and a life that represents our passion for God is what we should be aiming for, despite what modern day society has deemed necessary for living "the good life".

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not loved, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I Am Saved.

 In my life, I can honestly say I've pretty much always been "the good girl". I did well in school. I had a lot of friends from a group of people who weren't trouble makers. I was an athelete. My parents were the cool parents and it was obvious how much they loved me. From the outside, I would say it looked like I had the good life. Things are usually never what they seem.


I grew up always knowing about Jesus because of the realtionship I had with my mom and my Mema (her mother). I always knew in my heart that He died for me and that He was my savior. Every time I would go visit Mema in South Carolina she would spark that curiosity in me about Jesus. Who He is. What He did. Why He did it. As I grew older though, my family and I never went to church on Sundays. Were were the big athletic family. If there wasn't a hockey tournament to be at, it was baseball. If not baseball, it was soccer...or softball. You get the point, there was always an excuse not to be attending church on Sundays. As I grew up, my only spritual foundation was what I had learned from my Mema and the example that my parents set for me. I've always had an inherent sense of what I knew was morally right and wrong. Unfortunately, I've always had a self-depreciating self concept and I've always been self-concious. Because of this, in the eight grade, I stopped eating. I would go the entire day without food, go to softball practice, and if I felt like I "deserved" to eat dinner that night, then I would allow it. I was miserable. I had headaches every day, I blacked out all the time, and no matter how much weight I lost I was still unhappy with myself. After I lost about 35 pounds, I decided enough was enough and I began eating again. That same year my brother started to smoke pot and got into a lot of trouble. The turmoil he was causing tested my parent's already rocky marriage. The next three years were consumed with fighting and anger and hurt. I would lay on my bed and listen to music as loud as I could stand it just to drown out the voices from downstairs. I begged God to fix my family. My "faith" during those days was a hypocritical shell of what faith really is. I only went to God when I needed something. The problems in my family steadily got worse and worse, and my parents finally separated. During this time my dad lost his job, so not only were we struggling emotionally, but financially as well. I cried only when I couldn't take holding it in anymore. I was embarrassed to let anyone see me cry. I was the rock. People cried on my shoulders, not the other way around. I rarely shared what was going on with my life with even my best of friends. I didn't want to seem affected, because that would only make it all more real. On a whim I got a job at Chick-Fil-A, and it was there I met John Cowan. He pushed me spiritually more than he realized. I wanted to stand firm on my belief that I didn't need to go to church to have faith. He helped me and talked me through the things I was going through with my family, but at the time his words were not sinking in. Instead of turning to God with my problems, I chose to block it all out with pot and alcohol. I slowly spiraled downward into depression. I was failing classes. One night I was sitting in a room with my friends, doing questionalable activites, and I realized that that wasn't the life I wanted. God made me for something greater. After that night I never touched marijuana again, and I never will. My life slowly turned around. I came to the realization that my parents were not going to get back together, and I know it's for the best. God served His purpose in their marriage by blessing them with four amazing kids, and now they get to go search for their soulmates. After numerous addictions and countless times of verbal abuse of my parents and my family, my brother to this day continues to destroy my family. I will never lose the hope that he will be changed. I will never stop forgiving him. I am a firm believer in God's miracles, and I'll never stop believing that my brother is worth one.

 Because of Chick-Fil-A, I met Wes Price. He told me all about GAP Year and how he was going to do mission work and learn about God's plan for him. I thought it was really cool, but UGA was going to be my saving grace. I was going to be good at college and I would finally get to start over. My hopes came crashing down when they denied my application, and instantly I knew that God had something else planned for me. It was weird that I knew that because until that moment, God was on the back burners in my mind. Wes kept talking about GAP Year and I felt a pull there like I had never felt before. So I worked/slaved at Chick-Fil-A all summer and by the grace of God I raised enough money to go to El Salvador.  I came to El Savlador partially as an escape, but more so because for the first time in my life, I felt GOD calling me to Him.  I was bapatized before I left, and ever since then no matter what happens with my family, or with my life, I can handle it without drugs or alcohol or hiding. God has a plan for my life. He is in complete control. I know in my very soul that if I died right now, I would be wrapped up in the loving embrace of Jesus tonight.


Tomorrow is not promised to us. Life is fleeting, and we only get one chance to do it right. It's so easy to say, oh I can do whatever I want now and worry about the consequences later. I can have "fun" and put off living a life for the glory of God until I grow up. Well that's not good enough. God, GOD as in the creator of everything, sacrificed His only perfect Son in the flesh so that our past, and our future mistakes would be forgiven. It doesn't matter what you've done. It doesn't matter what you're going to do. God knows you better than you know yourself, which is why He has given us the ultimate back-up plan. Having a personal relationship with Jesus and accepting Him as your Lord and savior is the only way the Heaven. Think past the temptations of this futile earthly life, and think of where you're going to be spending eternity. I pray that if you do not know Jesus, that you will come to, because without Him I don't know where I would be today. He changed me from the inside out. He completely rocked my world, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I am His.

The warm humid air whips violently through my hair as I stick my head out the window of the Rodriguez truck. We pass spectacular views of mountains and little shacks splattered across the landscape on our way to the beach. Green mingles with colors of every variety that form an image of beauty and surrealness. As I gaze upon the majestic land before me I can hardly believe my own eyes. It can't possibly be real, yet it is. It is as though God took a paintbrush and paid unique attention to each and every tree branch...every curve of a moutainside... every steep drop of a cliff...nothing has been spared His own special touch.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own worlds. Our own problems. Our own lives. No one could possibly be going through the same thing as me right now because it's just that intense of a time, right? Wrong. Look at the person next to you the next time you're in a room full of people. He or she is experiencing something. The person across from you... he or she is going through a hardship. The person behind you... he or she is coming into a new phase of their life. No one is without problems. No one is without happiness.

At the beginning of this semester there was one point where I was ready to cow out, pack up my things and leave. After all that I've been through I didn't deserve to go through more, right? Especally not in the place where I am supposed to be given a new beginning. After those thoughts crossed my mind, I took a step back and looked around me. The air swirls in peaceful tranquility. There's no rush to get going. No pressure to be somewhere at this time or else. Even the trees sway back and forth in reckless abandon. El Salvador for me has turned into a place where my mind is allowed to shut down it's over-analyzing. It's a place where God touches my heart each and every day. It's a place where I'm finally coming into my own.

I am so incredibly happy. I am so incredibly open to God's plan for my life. My heart soars with love for Him every time I do anything. My life is being moved by Him in a direction I am still unsure of, but I am confident in His will and His power. There was no better decision than coming to El Salvador. That I am absolutely sure of.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Soy Una Creación Nueva

I have been back in El Salvador for less than four days and I have already been through a bigger whirlwind of emotions than I ever imagined this semester would present me with. To begin, I had to say goodbye to my family once again after spending an amazing Christmas break with them. Going to New York with my Philly and experiencing a whole new culture shock really rocked me, but getting to spend that time with him and getting to know my oldest sister a little bit better was incredible. My family and I experienced more emotional trauma while I was there, and even though I hate that we had to go through something yet again, I know it's brought us closer than ever. My parents are so incredible. I don't know what more I could ever ask for in role models, providers and friends. The plane ride was very easy; only three hours and the flight was half empty, so Wes, Tiffany, Katelyn and I all got to sit together. Although I had to give my boyfriend one last kiss to last for the next four, potentially six months, I know this experience will only strengthen us and enhance our foundation in God.

In order to truely become immersed in the culture this semester, we have all been separated into different host homes. From the beginning I was not sure where I was going to be placed. I was under the impression that I would be staying with Pastor Francisco's mother-in-law. That fell through and then I was told I might be staying with Silvia's family. It turned out that Kirby is staying with them. When I arrived at good ole Pizza Hut to eat lunch with Pastor Fran, I was told that I would be living with not only a family I have never met, but also a family that does not attend our church, but a daughter church. Needless to say I became a bit nervous, but I knew that God would look after me and it would teach me something in the end. I had no doubt in my mind that if they were putting me there, they knew it was safe. After hours of talking and removing our things left behind at the Rodriguez home, I was dropped off at the daughter church that my surrogate father was the Pastor of. I sat in an office for an hour and half until he was finished with a sermon and then I finally met him and his wife. The Gomez family is extremely nice. Every time I would thank them for anything they would shake their heads and tell me it was an honor to serve me. It really put into perspective just how selfless some people can genuinely be in this world.

Despite how amazing the family was, the moment I stepped into their home I felt a black cloud descend over my heart and I felt a suffocating feeling overwhelm me. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the house itself. It might just be the fact that I knew nothing about the family and I had zero common ground with them whatsoever. As I unpacked my things in the 10 x 5 room tears rolled down my cheeks. I have never felt so alone. So petrified. So absolutely ready to just get the heck out of there and go to school the next day. I had no appetite and the thought of eating made my throat close up with fresh tears. Every time I thought about the fact that that would be my home for the next four months, a new wave of dread rolled over me and slowly drowned me. Depression is something that I've had to deal with in the past, and I sensed that if I was forced to stay in that home, that it's grips would take hold of me again and not let go without a fight.

The next day going to school was a relief, but afterwards I sat down in my room and refused to be locked away in my misery. I called Pastor Mario and he picked me up so I could hang out with Leah, who he is housing. I decided to go to church that night even though they gave us the night off so I could discuss an alternative place of living with Pastor Fran. I couldn't even say a word to him. The thought of having to go back to that house that night made me sick to my stomach. I was shaking. I was crying. I had an absolute breakdown. I was crying in front of a man I need to respect me, and I couldn't even get a word out to defend the request I was making of him. Through the tears and the embarrasment, I guess he finally understood the pain I was suffering from. It was real and genuine, and because of that he decided to move me back into the Rodriguez house, where at least I had some sense of normalcy...not to mention lots and lots of sunlight in their openly designed home. He told me that if I would stay there for a few days so that he could talk with Pastor Gomez and not offend him, he would get me out as soon as possible.

Mario drove me back and went to talk with Pastor Gomez and explain the situation. Roberto Gomez decided that he did not want me to have to stay in his home for another second if it would cause me any sort of mental or emotional turmoil. Mario returned for me and I left that night.

Throughout all of this I kept begging God just to let me know He was there with me. He was there in the daughter of Pastor Gomez, who talked to me and was so nice to me. He was there in Mario, who supported me and did everything in his power to get me where I would be stable. He was there in Pastor Francisco, who had a change of heart and allowed me to move. He is there in Wes, who talked to me every day and assured me that I would be okay and that he was there for me. He was there in the Rodriguez family, who took me in without a second thought. God surrounded me throughout the entire ordeal. Maybe this is His way of saying, "look kid, I know you've got issues, but I'm here. I've got you. I won't ever leave you."

I love God. I love Him above everything else in this world. I have never been more sure of that in my life. I am serene and ready to take on whatever else El Salvador decides to throw at me this semester.

In the end, it's...

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Blow Me Away.

The trees are empty of leaves and the world is a cold and barren place. Dark colors surround me and the freezing air chills me to the bone. Winter time has set in in full force here in Georgia and it's never felt more weird than it does to me today. Before coming back here two weeks ago, I had prepared myself for the fact that it would be strange to be thrown back into my old world. I knew I would see things differently. I knew it would be hard to leave this all behind again for another five months. I didn't prepare myself for the deep longing for the sunshine. For the random sentences in Spanish I form inside my head and then realize that even if I did voice them no one would understand. For the love that's only grown stronger here.

The first few days I was back in the States I felt completely out of place. It didn't seem real. It was like I never left but I completely missed the fall and the onset of winter. It was like I had amnesia and the past four months in El Salvador were a dream. It was extremely unsettling and I found myself staring off into space on more than one ocasion. After a few days, though, I snapped out of it and got back into the swing of things. It's been such a blessing to be able to spend time with my family again and see my friends. They talk about college and taking finals and it all seems so surreal.

I can't imagine what my life would be like had I chose to ignore God's movement in my heart and go straight to college. Who would I be? I would not be growing in my relationship with Christ. I would probably still be a hypocrite; living with God but never for God. I would still be naive to the fact that there is a whole world out there besides the United States and it is in desperate need of help. I would never be as thankful as I am for the life I've been blessed with as I am now. There is nothing about my experience thus far in El Salvador that I would take back. Every part of it has forced me to grow and learn somehow. The drama in the house at the beginning of the semester. The intense homesickness. The days of doubt in myself and in God. The days when it all felt so pointless. The smiles on the beautiful faces of the kids at the school and at the homeless ministry. The sheer majestic beauty of the landscape. The days where God's presence in my life felt so real and tangible. The days where all I did was nap and read my Bible and eat Price Smart doughnuts. The woman I lead to Christ.

I appreciate the bad days I had, because without them I could never recognize just how amazing my good days have been. Had I not gone on this trip, I would not have found my first love in Jesus Christ, and my second love in a little blonde boy. This journey is only halfway through and already I am changed beyond anything I could have imagined or hoped for. I left my home to try to escape the things that were happening here, and now that I am back it all seems so much easier to take in. I know now that no matter what happens in my life, whether it is in my childhood home in Georgia or my new home in El Salvador, God is with me. He is so good to me and coming home I have never recognized His love more.

I am looking forward to going back. It's so easy to be here and fall back into the luxury I've been accustomed to my entire life. I want to finish out this journey knowing what God wants for my life and when that moment comes, I will do everything in my power to make it happen and glorify Him. The rest of my time spent here will be dedicated to my family and my friends and preparing myself for the last stretch of this incredible journey. There are going to be many more new experiences in my future for second semester, and I have a funny feeling that God is going to rock my world like only He is capable of. Well, here I am God. Feel free to rock me as hard as You know I can take it.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Ya'll Ready For This?

The clock reads 12:04am, and I am snuggling into my bed when a thought hits me. There are less than two weeks before I return home. Joy and unbelievable excitement well up inside of me and I do a little happy squeal. Throughout my time here I have often wanted to go home. "Just for a day", I would say. "Just one week", I would think. Being here is uncomfortable. That's fine, because I'm not here to be comfortable. I am here to grow with God and try to open myself to what His plan is for my life. Thus far I'm still not sure what that is. I considered being a Pediatrician. Seeing the need of the kids here and how absolutely precious they are stirs a comforting, motherly side of me I did not know I possesed. I would love to use medical knowledge to do ministry in countries that are forced to go without medical help. I realized that that profession is extremely unreasonable for me. Is it a noble thought? Of course. Is it right for me? Probably not. I'm a bookworm. I love to use big words. I love to find that perfect arrangement of words that makes them take on a whole new level of imagery. Math and science are not, have never been and will most certainly never be my forte. Teaching English to the kids here has allowed me to discover I have a love for teaching.

 Me + English + Kids + Teaching = Education!

It could work. All I know is that I've still got time to figure it out, and a lot more praying to do.

Do not get me wrong, I love being here. I love seeing a different side of life than I knew existed. I love going to school every day and learning the language and going out into church and the city and putting it into use. I absolutely love interracting with my friends here because they have shown me what friendship can be like. I am becoming a better friend by being here. However, I have never been more ready to return home. I want to hug my momma. I want to watch football with my Philly. I want to look at ridiculous amounts of cute clothes that we cannot afford to buy with my little big sister. I want to interact with my brother, and attempt to reconnect with him. I want to see the new life my oldest sister has made for herself in New York with my brother-in-law. I want to work at Chick-Fil-A again. Not so much that it makes me unhappy again, but enough to serve people again with an open heart and a big, unwavering smile on my face. I want to laugh in the car with my best friends, and make late night runs to Dairy Queen. I want to sing at the top of my lungs with my mom to the songs that we love to listen to over and over again. There are so many things that I want and miss. I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and most of all spiritually exaughsted. It is time to go home. Rest. Renew my strength. Prepare myself for my final semester here in El Salvador, because I know it is going to be even more challenging than this one has been.

As amazing as it is going to be to see all of my family friends again, I know that it is when I am back home...surrounded by the luxuries of the United States, all the old temptations of my life... that the spiritual battle will hit me the hardest. Here it is easy to just take a step back and remind myself that God is with me. There are so few distractions here, it is almost effortless to fall into that peaceful place where I can just sit and praise God. It will be when I am in my old world, that my new self will be tested the most severely.

Ephesians 6:10-18 says, " ¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

 ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. "

I am ready.

All for His Glory,
Taylor

Unstoppable.

Today in the United States, thousands of families are united at least for a little while. They put their differences aside, and gather around a table to celebrate the simple act of being thankful. How many times a day, week, or even year do you just take a moment to step back and praise God for what you're thankful for? I know I thank Him every single day for the things I've been given. It's so easy to be thankful when I've been blessed with so much. More than I could ever hope to repay Him for. It's harder to thank Him for those times when I wasn't sure where I would end up, or if my family would ever heal from the things we've been faced with. It is hard, but those times when He was all I had to cling to, are the times that made me who I am today. Without those times I would still be a shy girl who was afraid to voice her opinion because she feared the judgement of others. These days the only judgement that will truely affect me is the judgement of God. These days I am strong. God has lifted me back onto my feet every single time I've fallen down. I owe Him so much, and have so little to offer. He adores me anyways.

I skyped the little family that remains in Georgia for the holidays and it broke my heart not to be there for the first time in my life. However, when I look around at this new world and I see where I was before I came here, I am so incredibly thankful that I was not there for Thanksgiving this year. God's work in my life is greater and for more important than a meal with my family. He is forcing me to grow. He is forcing me to become reliant on Him instead of the warm embrace of my Momma and my Philly. It's so hard. It's excruciating, but I will be okay. My reward will be an eternity of peace, so what am I really losing? I get to spend my first holiday away from my family with a new kind of family. One that speaks a new language and eats a different kind of food, but we are all on fire for God. In the end, what more is there? What more could we possibly ask for?

So many times we ask the question "what are you thankful for" and go around the table just to hear the typical responses: "my family" "my friends" "my job" "my car" "bla bla bla". I want to challenge us to take a deeper look at our lives, and think about what our lives could be like if God were to turn away from us. His grace and His unconditional love are the only things worthy of being thanked. He is unstoppable.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful for my family. For my friends. For my car. For my job. For my warm bed I sleep in every night. For the food that is never lacking. For the clothing that is never falling apart. For the Bible that comforts me when I'm going through dark times. For the dark times that bring me closer to God. For the bright times that leave me reeling from the display of His glory. I am thankful that I have so much when others have so little. I don't know why God decided that I was the one who got to have this amazing life I've been given, but I am going to do everything in my power to make Him look good.

So I guess all that's left to ask is...what are you thankful for?

All for His Glory,
Taylor

Truth.

To put it mildly, it has been a long...long journey.

I came to El Salvador knowing and expecting it would be hard. I have never been so far away from home before, nor for such a long period of time. During those quiet few minutes before I would fall asleep I would imagine what my trip would be like. I pictured myself becoming this amazing woman of God. I saw myself surrounded by a sea of orphans, sweating as I labored in the Central American sun to rebuild a home, speaking Spanish, and changing from the inside out. I imagined it would be hard because it is a new place. A new culture. A new kind of people. A new language.

Being here is whole different kind of difficult than I ever imagined. Yes, it is hard to be in a country completely different from my own. I never expected the majority of the fight here to be spiritual, though. It's like now that I'm growing closer to God, it makes me question all of the things I knew about myself before. Do I really know those things? I am doing this right? Can I still say that? Is that wrong? I keep stumbling over my own self and tripping myself up with my own thoughts. It's exaughsting, and the struggle bleeds over into the other aspects of my life. It has forced me to realize that things I knew for sure about myself before all of this are still true. I am still me. That's one of the things that scares me the most about going home. What if my friends who aren't Christians don't accept the new me? The new me who goes to God for everything before relying on myself. Will they accept that He is the biggest and best part of my life?

 The answer is: Who cares? If they are my real friends, they will not care. If they are friends that are meant to spend eternity by my side, then maybe I have been placed in their lives to lead them away from their lostness.

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy and I've been through a whirlwind of emotions. We go out to communities almost every Sunday and go door-to-door to share the Gospel. I struggle with this so much. Every week it seems like I just get weighed down and tired and all I want to do is run away because my nerves get the best of me. I feel like I'm in middle school all over again and I can't find my words. A few weeks ago, however, I woke up on a Sunday and a sense of calm and joy washed over me. I attended church and actually understood the majority of the sermon for the first time since I've been here. During all of the worship songs I could barely sing because I was smiling so big. As we left for the community we were going to evangelize in, I prayed for God to use me in whatever way he wanted. Jorge's little sister Mayrita translated for me, and the first house we went to was a success. It was a man who had accepted Christ before, but found himself lost and far from Him. We led him back. The next person we talked to was a Catholic, and we shared with her how the only way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ and not through good deeds alone. We planted the thought in her mind. The next lady we encountered was older, and she was a devout Christian. I shared my story with her and talked with her about faith. We reminded her why she loves Christ in the first place. The next woman we talked to was in her forties or fifties. As I shared my testimony with her, I could see the wheels turning in her mind. She was timid and quiet, but when we asked if she would like to accpet Christ a smile broke out on her face and she said "YES!" and I led her in prayer. (In Spanish). I led her to Christ. I will see her in eternity. There is no feeling like it.

Johnny Condrey graced us with his presence this week for the Timothy Barnabus Conference along with Johnny Hunt and Steve Flockhart. It was so good to hang out with him. He is so encouraging! He and Kirby's parents took us to the beach for three days. It was incredible, as all beach trips are, but this time was especially amazing. I was swimming in the ocean with a boogie board, minding my own business, when a monster of a wave overtook me. I was rolled around beneath the water and couldn't find my way back to the surface. My lungs were burning and I began to panick. Luckily I had the boogie board attatched to my ankle, and I was able to use it to pop up to the surface after the wave was done with me. Witnessing the power of the ocean firsthand honestly scared me. It thoroughly and utterly frightened me. It just made me realize just how powerful God is. He created the ocean, and the ocean is an uncontrolable force in itself. God could wipe me off the face of this planet in a instant if He wanted to. That's what makes His love for me so profound. I am nothing but a blip on His radar. Blinking and beeping for no more than a second before I'm gone. Yet, He still loves me so much that He gave His ONLY son for my imperfections. For my sin. For your sin. For this entire world.

The Timothy Barnabus Conference was incredible. It was long and it was an intense amount of information being thrown at me all at once, but each message the pastors preached set my heart on fire for God more and more with every word. As a new Christian I had no idea how much hearing a pastor preach every Sunday is necessary. I love the language of Spanish, but I'm just not there yet. The English preaching was like a breath of fresh air, but the pastors are gone now. It's time to get back to my work here and crack down for the next 28 days I have.

December is approaching soon and I can imagine the cold weather that I will be faced with in the United States. It will be a chilling winter away from the warm sunshine and serenity El Salvador has presented me with. I know, though, that my love for God will keep my soul ablaze, and the joy I will have from spending time with my friends and family will keep my heart at ease.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

These Days.

My time here in El Salvador is approaching the three-month mark, and it seems like time has been rushing by. It's strange, because the longer I live here and grow accustomed to my new way of living, the more my life back in the United States seems farther and farther away. Just a second ago I was sitting on my bed reading my bible and I realized that I was content. The first couple of months I struggled every day not to miss the ease of being around people who know exactly who I am or just being able to go out and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I ride down the streets in our van, sitting in my spot in the back with the window open, and it just feels so normal. If I were home, I would be going to KSU, driving around in my car, going to work, watching T.V. and eating all sorts of high-saturated fat filled foods. The ability of the human mind and body to adjust to being in a new place astounds me. Where before I was struggling to just accept things enough to get through them, they have become a normal part of my day.

Today was a pretty spectacular day. I knew it was going to be a good one the moment I woke up. I just had a feeling, and my heart felt lighter and more at ease than it has in a long time. I was even able to get more into the church service than I normally do. The band played all of my favorite songs and I was able to just go to a peaceful place in my heart and just love on God. In the afternoon I talked to my mom, grandmother and my dad. It was so incredibly good to hear their voices. As I enjoy my time here more and more, I get that much more excited for December because being here has pushed my love and adoration for my family and friends to the very front of my mind. I can't wait to go home and put the things I've been going through and learning here into action in my real world! Today the girls and I went to Puerta del Diablo (The Devil's Door) and climbed it with our host parents and sister. It's a beautiful mountain and the excercise was long over-due. ;) Kaylie, Leah and I rode in the back of the truck on the way there, and I just sat back and enjoyed the view as the truck climbed higher and higher.


  No matter how long I live here, I don't think the sheer beauty of this country will ever fail to take my breath away.

 It was so much fun to be able to just kick back and bond with our "family".



Mami y Papi

 On the way back down the mountain, all of us girls but Kirby (she's afraid of heights) rode a little zip-line to the bottom. It was a huge adrenaline rush even though it was just a baby zip-line.

 Some guys that we had met on our treck up surrounded me after and requested that I take pictures with them. They kept calling me a celebrity and I kept laughing and denying it, but the sad thing is is that they genuinely do put us up on a pedistool. Even at the school we are admired just for being Americans, and being different. I can't say I hate the affection they have for us, because I love to love peope and they are so eager to talk with us. I just hope that they can see past who they think we are, and get to know us well enough to discover who we really are. Jesus is the only one worth praising. Perhaps our celebrity amongst the people can be the key to sharing our hearts and relationships with God with them. Our mom also took us out to eat afterwards and we all realized, for the hundreth time, that we tend to eat far too much for normal human beings.

Tomorrow the entire group is headed to the beach for the day. Now that the kids are out of school and we don't teach anymore English classes this semester, we have more free time. Our next few weeks are going to be pretty busy, and I for one cannot wait to see what God has in store for our team for the last stretch of our time here. We're going to be visiting more of the country in our Seminary class. It will be a great way to go out and actually SEE what we're learning about. We're also planning a few more trips to the beach, the mountains, and even a day trip to some ruins here in the country. I'm finally starting to feel like I actually live in this country instead of feeling like an honored guest. The more and more I settle into my new found sense of Him in all things I do, the more I know my future holds something incredible. I'm content to enjoy this rollercoaster they call "life". Through the nerve wracking and heart grasping rises to the top and the stomach taking plunges over the edge, I know I will never fall off with God strapping me in.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Take It All.

Sunday not only did I fail epically at Evangelizing, but I also fell off of a skateboard and bruised my tailbone. Two days later and I was sitting at our school minding my own business (reading my Bible for pete's sake) and kids playing soccer with a water bottle hit me in the face with their bottle. So now, I have a bruised bum, and a gnarly looking blackeye. You would think that I would be miserable, but strangely I feel so ALIVE. My nerves are buzzing with excitement over something I can't put into words. All I did today was go to class and read my Bible for a few hours. Yet I find myself increasingly happier and just content to sit and dive into God's word. Every day I fall more and more into just letting go of this world and finding my joy through Him. Today I was reading in Matthew about the crucifixtion of Jesus and His resurrection, and I am reeling from the aftershock of thankfulness I am left with. I am so unworthy, and I realized that there is nothing that I can do during my time here in El Salvador that would be more beneficial than just sitting back and letting myself fall more and more in love with MY GOD! I know Christians go through highs and lows of their "fire" for God. It's normal some days to feel like, hey I'm just not feeling God today even though I know He's always there. I'm going to ride this fire until I can't feel it burning anymore, and then I'm going to find some way to set my soul ablaze again. Maybe if I fuel myself enough every single day, I won't ever have to loose this new light in my life. I don't plan to let this go. I don't plan to ever go back to the way I was before. I don't plan to fall back into being a complacent Christian. Skeptics constantly ask, why should I believe in something that I have no tangible proof of? Well that's faith isn't it? I don't need to see it to believe it, but right about now...I'm feeling something MAJOR stirring inside of me. I'm leaving the desert of my past behind me. I'm revelling in the storm brewing in my heart and mind and soul this very second. I'm welcoming the thunder and lightning and torrential rain that await me in my future. Here I am, Lord. Pour over me.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I Run To Your Arms Of Love.

So here's straight up how it is. I've been living as a Christian for what, maybe three months tops? I've come to realize that I have abosolutely no idea what I'm doing. I've spent the last three years of my life trying to be the rock of my family. Nothing could touch me. Nothing could get to me. I always had to be that shoulder everyone could cry on. It ashamed me those few times I did break down in front of someone else. So now I'm faced with the prospect of completely tearing down all the walls I've worked so long to perfect in order to give my life competely to God. It's excruciating. I feel numb. It's affecting my personality and I know I'm not being myself. What can I do? Pray. I pray everyday for the strength to just make it through the day without breaking down. I pray that God will consume me and take the reigns of my life. I pray that he will give me some sign that after all this time, something will finally be okay again. I've never had so many emotions coursing through my brain at one time. I feel like a child. I feel so ignorant. I feel helpless, but I'm slowly learning to just shut my mind up and say, "look, God is the one who loves you unconditionally, forever. Suck it up and just be." Unfortunately I've never been the type of person to just be able to flow without thinking about the future and what every decision I make will mean. The few times I've ever done that have backfired on me, and have caused my walls to build up layer after layer. The walls around my heart are fortified to the point I don't even know where to begin chipping them away. There's no one who can help me but God himself.

I came here thinking I was going to leave my old life behind and finally start anew. No more family drama. No more friend mishaps. No more caring about anything superficial and trivial. Don't get me wrong, I've never been the type of person to rely heavily on the things of this world. I've learned to become content with what I've been handed to me for a while now. I am human, though, and I've allowed those silly types of things to control my mind and every thought of everyday to the point I just want to run away and not have to look at anyone anymore. The past two months I've let the things of this world consume me more than I ever have in my life. I've acted moody. I've acted stupid. I've acted hateful for the sake of entertaining myself. I've acted callous and like I don't care. I've shut my entire team out so that they don't know how truely lost I am. I've lost sense of what made me who I am in the first place. Everything I've gone through to make me the strong human being I am today has been completely brushed off these past two months. I search my soul and I scream silent screams in the darkness, hot tears coursing down my face, because it hurts so much to recognize how lost I've become.

So the question is, am I going to trust in my inherent sense of what's right and what's wrong and just get over myself? Am I going to tear down the walls for the sake of letting my one true love take over my heart and soul? Am I going to allow myself to be changed, so that when I come home at the end of this people will stand up and notice that there's something different about me? Am I going to become the person God wants me to be, or will I just sit back and let my life happen to me?

I am silly.
I am stupid.
I am reckless.
I am unworthy.
I am a cheater.
I am a gossiper.
I have been a bad friend.
I have not been worthy of being loved by other human beings.
I have not been compassionate.
I have been selfish.

But... at the end of the day, those traits are human. God's love for me exceeds all human flaws because he knows I am incapable of being anything other than human. God will not, and does not need to chase after me. The biggest decision of a Christian's life is to accept Jesus as their Savior and then dedicate their lives to glorifying His sacrifice for us. I've got part one down, it's the second part I'm going to dedicate the rest of my time and energy on this trip and through the rest of my life to being the best I can be in the eyes of God. Think about it, the things you take pride in and the things you've accomplished and the things that you hold dear to your heart...does God take precedence over all of them? I know He doesn't in my life. It's all going to change though. Not instantly, because the things that are worth it are the hardest and most trying and time consuming to achieve. So I challenge you as I challenge myself. I challege us to destroy our former selves and let God's kingdom live within us. Not only live within us, but prosper like it's meant to. The time is going to come where God is truely my everything, and when that day comes everything else will fall into place. All He wants is to be the most important thing in my life. My reason for living.

WATCH THIS BEFORE MOVING ON.

If you think about it, really think about it, is that so much to ask? I cry out to God asking Him and begging Him to just make it "okay" and to bring me some sort of hope. When did "okay" become the goal in life? The day I decide that the things of this world mean nothing to me, is the day that everything I ever needed will be provided for me by my Lord. I am here to be a servant of the world around me, so that the things I do will glorify God. I am here to be a servant of the Lord, and a true servant does what is needed with no questions asked and without expecation of reward.

Matthew 25:45 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me". If I don't take every opportunity to serve, then I am not serving Christ. If I take every opportunity to serve, then I am serving Christ. It's time to snuff out the glamorous prospects of being "on fire for Jesus" and being a missionary, and just being a servant. In the words of my friend Nathan, "It's time I wait for the good stuff, and chase after the great stuff."

No more worries. My day is going to come.

All for HIS Glory,
Taylor

I Don't Want To Go Through The Motions.

Four days from now I will have been living in El Salvador for exactly two months. Where did the time go? Here's what I've learned thus far:
-Life is too short not to take advantage of everyday.
-Friends are too precious not to love them each and every time you see them or talk to them.
-God is the only one who can truely give me joy in this life.
-Jesus died for me, and because of that my life will be dedicated to honoring that sacrifice.
-Rules are made for a reason, and are meant to be respected. Following them is not an option.
-The other members of my team were chosen by God to be here for a reason, so it's up to me to respect them and decide to love them, even when all I want to do is run away.
-This experience is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I have no right to squander it by being discontent.
-Being discontent is a choice, just like being unhappy happens when we let ourselves fall under the mercy of things out of our control.
-I am in control of what I get out of this experience. Nothing anyone says or does can change that.
-God has a plan for me, but it's up to me to let him take control and make it happen.

September was a month of never ending rain and cold nights. It was a month of self-doubt and insecurity in myself and the decision I made by coming here. It was the last time I will ever let myself complain about having downtime. Some people don't even have a bed to sleep in, and I am mad that I have time to think and grow in my relationship with God. It was a month of letting my teammates quarrel and always resort back to being separated no matter how many times someone would bring us back together.

October greets me with a sunny morning and a cool wind to blow away my doubts. El Salvador is awake and pulsating today, as am I. The weather gets warmer and warmer, but I refuse to sweat the small things. I want to wake up every morning, feeling my heart beating, and know that I am alive. I am alive and as long as my heart beats, I will truely live for every moment to the fullest. My team is finally coming together, as we should be. We are united in our mission: to glorify God. We stand united against the evil in this world, and seeing our interactions is going to change the people we touch.

I miss the people I love at home everyday. As suprising as it sounds, I actually miss Chick-Fil-A too. Not the overpowering smell of chicken that follows me home after work every night, but the people who I've met there. That place has changed my life for the better. As much as I wish I could just spend a few days with my family and doing the things I'm accustomed to, there is work to be done here. At the beginning of this journey I told myself I was going to come out of it a changed person. I'm through with going through the motions here. Doing only what is necessary to look like I'm getting something out of it. I am going to take avantage of everyday, and at the end of this...the world I knew before will be rocked by my new presence in it. At the end of the day, this is all for my relationship with God. Some days I'll sit down and think about how different I was even last year. God keeps changing my life for the better over and over again, and I am floored by the extent of His love for us. We are not worthy. We are never thankful enough. We are so imperfect. We have the audacity to tell Him "no" over and over again and yet He is always there for us. He does not need us, but we will never see a day when we need Him any less. I refuse to come out of this life asking myself, "What if I had given everything"?

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Heartbreak Warfare.

The past week I've been feeling something building inside of me. It wasn't necessarily a good or bad feeling, I just knew something was brooding in my heart and I couldn't figure out why it was making my emotions feel so up and down. I am tired. Sad. Angry. Happy. Content. Confused. Hurt. Unbelieveably faithful. It's so hard to figure out what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. I'm constantly surrounded by people I don't truely know and I see things everyday that hurt just to look at.

Our team has been unbearably separated and distant and hateful with each other for a while now, and on Tuesday during Discipleship class with Pastor Mario we laid it all out in the open. Everyone let it be known how they were feeling towards everyone in the group. It was decided that the boys are going to move out. It will give us girls a better chance to bond and get to know each other without the distraction of testosterone overload hanging around, and it will give the boys a chance to just be boys and not feel so suffocated by six girls. We also decided that switching roomates for a week would be a great way to get to know each other more personally. I'm paired up with Tiffany for the time being, and when she found out she had to room with me she claimed to be having a panic attack in her mind. I don't know why anyone would be afraid of getting to know me, but it's all good now. The change in the atmosphere of the group is tangable. Everyone's attitudes are already changing for the better. We're all 18 or 19 years old, so we all just have a lot of growing up to do. We have to learn how to accept each other and love each other even when we don't understand. We're called to, so we must do it.

The past week has been pretty standard. Our routine here is pretty monotonous unless something special is going on. Mondays we hang around the house and get some rest. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays we have school until 12:30 and then either Discipleship, Evangelism, or Seminary classes until 2:30/3:30. Wednesdays we go to school, and then attend church at night. Saturdays we go to the Rescue Ministry for the homeless and attend youth group at night. Sundays are consumed with church and evangelism. This past Sunday we teamed up with one of the daughter churches, Iglesia Bautista La Gloria, to go out in the community and share our testimonies door-to-door. Katelyn was my partner, and her stage fright got the best of her. She's constantly having to battle it and I sympathize with her so much. I remember days in middle school where I would turn bright red in front of my class and rush through presentations so I could just sit down and have everyone stop looking at me. I decided to ease her of her misery and shared my testimony with all of the houses willing to hear. It is physically and emotionally draining sharing the story of your life. Everytime you share it you have a new hope that you will touch your audience and that they will come to know Christ, and everytime they turn you away (not necessarily impolitely) you feel disappointed. I know that when the day comes where my story leads someone to their salvation, every failure and rejection will be made worth it.

The kids had a teacher work day today so they didn't have classes. We, however, still went to school for Seminary and Spanish class. Our Seminary teacher was unable to show up because he was called into a meeting, and one of our Spanish teachers was a no-show, so we sat around for four hours and had only one hour of classes. Somehow I didn't get frustrated at the way the day turned out. Our church is located right next to a poor area. Our classroom is on the top floor, so while the others were on their computers, Wes and I stepped out and sat by the back stairs. All I did was let the wind blow through my hair as I observed the community below. The houses are literally stacked one on top of the other and children run through the alleys between buildings. Some of the men down there have an aura of such anger surrounding them. I don't know what they've been through. I don't know their circumstances. All I know is that I wish there was something I could do to strip them of their anger and fears. I wish I was more than a inexperienced eighteen year old girl. That building feeling of something I've been having all week finally exploded in my heart. A sense of complete calm and serenity has washed over me and I know that God is preparing my heart for the day when I'll have the means to help these people. I'm going to change the life of someone someday. God has it all figured out, so I have no need to worry.

I complain because we have so much downtime and that I thought I was going to be experiencing life changing events. I was so consummed by my disappointment in the excess of bordum that I never realized how much this truely is changing me. I am letting the control of my life slip through my fingers and into God's open arms. I am letting my pride fly away on the wind and not letting petty thoughts poison my mind. I am figuring out that I have so much to offer this world because of the chances I've been blessed with. I am looking out my windows and seeing the hurt of the world. I'm letting myself be changed, because if we never let the things that make our heart ache truely change us, then we are lost. I am becoming who I am meant to be, one day at a time.

All for His Glory,
Taylor