These Days.

My time here in El Salvador is approaching the three-month mark, and it seems like time has been rushing by. It's strange, because the longer I live here and grow accustomed to my new way of living, the more my life back in the United States seems farther and farther away. Just a second ago I was sitting on my bed reading my bible and I realized that I was content. The first couple of months I struggled every day not to miss the ease of being around people who know exactly who I am or just being able to go out and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I ride down the streets in our van, sitting in my spot in the back with the window open, and it just feels so normal. If I were home, I would be going to KSU, driving around in my car, going to work, watching T.V. and eating all sorts of high-saturated fat filled foods. The ability of the human mind and body to adjust to being in a new place astounds me. Where before I was struggling to just accept things enough to get through them, they have become a normal part of my day.

Today was a pretty spectacular day. I knew it was going to be a good one the moment I woke up. I just had a feeling, and my heart felt lighter and more at ease than it has in a long time. I was even able to get more into the church service than I normally do. The band played all of my favorite songs and I was able to just go to a peaceful place in my heart and just love on God. In the afternoon I talked to my mom, grandmother and my dad. It was so incredibly good to hear their voices. As I enjoy my time here more and more, I get that much more excited for December because being here has pushed my love and adoration for my family and friends to the very front of my mind. I can't wait to go home and put the things I've been going through and learning here into action in my real world! Today the girls and I went to Puerta del Diablo (The Devil's Door) and climbed it with our host parents and sister. It's a beautiful mountain and the excercise was long over-due. ;) Kaylie, Leah and I rode in the back of the truck on the way there, and I just sat back and enjoyed the view as the truck climbed higher and higher.


  No matter how long I live here, I don't think the sheer beauty of this country will ever fail to take my breath away.

 It was so much fun to be able to just kick back and bond with our "family".



Mami y Papi

 On the way back down the mountain, all of us girls but Kirby (she's afraid of heights) rode a little zip-line to the bottom. It was a huge adrenaline rush even though it was just a baby zip-line.

 Some guys that we had met on our treck up surrounded me after and requested that I take pictures with them. They kept calling me a celebrity and I kept laughing and denying it, but the sad thing is is that they genuinely do put us up on a pedistool. Even at the school we are admired just for being Americans, and being different. I can't say I hate the affection they have for us, because I love to love peope and they are so eager to talk with us. I just hope that they can see past who they think we are, and get to know us well enough to discover who we really are. Jesus is the only one worth praising. Perhaps our celebrity amongst the people can be the key to sharing our hearts and relationships with God with them. Our mom also took us out to eat afterwards and we all realized, for the hundreth time, that we tend to eat far too much for normal human beings.

Tomorrow the entire group is headed to the beach for the day. Now that the kids are out of school and we don't teach anymore English classes this semester, we have more free time. Our next few weeks are going to be pretty busy, and I for one cannot wait to see what God has in store for our team for the last stretch of our time here. We're going to be visiting more of the country in our Seminary class. It will be a great way to go out and actually SEE what we're learning about. We're also planning a few more trips to the beach, the mountains, and even a day trip to some ruins here in the country. I'm finally starting to feel like I actually live in this country instead of feeling like an honored guest. The more and more I settle into my new found sense of Him in all things I do, the more I know my future holds something incredible. I'm content to enjoy this rollercoaster they call "life". Through the nerve wracking and heart grasping rises to the top and the stomach taking plunges over the edge, I know I will never fall off with God strapping me in.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Take It All.

Sunday not only did I fail epically at Evangelizing, but I also fell off of a skateboard and bruised my tailbone. Two days later and I was sitting at our school minding my own business (reading my Bible for pete's sake) and kids playing soccer with a water bottle hit me in the face with their bottle. So now, I have a bruised bum, and a gnarly looking blackeye. You would think that I would be miserable, but strangely I feel so ALIVE. My nerves are buzzing with excitement over something I can't put into words. All I did today was go to class and read my Bible for a few hours. Yet I find myself increasingly happier and just content to sit and dive into God's word. Every day I fall more and more into just letting go of this world and finding my joy through Him. Today I was reading in Matthew about the crucifixtion of Jesus and His resurrection, and I am reeling from the aftershock of thankfulness I am left with. I am so unworthy, and I realized that there is nothing that I can do during my time here in El Salvador that would be more beneficial than just sitting back and letting myself fall more and more in love with MY GOD! I know Christians go through highs and lows of their "fire" for God. It's normal some days to feel like, hey I'm just not feeling God today even though I know He's always there. I'm going to ride this fire until I can't feel it burning anymore, and then I'm going to find some way to set my soul ablaze again. Maybe if I fuel myself enough every single day, I won't ever have to loose this new light in my life. I don't plan to let this go. I don't plan to ever go back to the way I was before. I don't plan to fall back into being a complacent Christian. Skeptics constantly ask, why should I believe in something that I have no tangible proof of? Well that's faith isn't it? I don't need to see it to believe it, but right about now...I'm feeling something MAJOR stirring inside of me. I'm leaving the desert of my past behind me. I'm revelling in the storm brewing in my heart and mind and soul this very second. I'm welcoming the thunder and lightning and torrential rain that await me in my future. Here I am, Lord. Pour over me.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

I Run To Your Arms Of Love.

So here's straight up how it is. I've been living as a Christian for what, maybe three months tops? I've come to realize that I have abosolutely no idea what I'm doing. I've spent the last three years of my life trying to be the rock of my family. Nothing could touch me. Nothing could get to me. I always had to be that shoulder everyone could cry on. It ashamed me those few times I did break down in front of someone else. So now I'm faced with the prospect of completely tearing down all the walls I've worked so long to perfect in order to give my life competely to God. It's excruciating. I feel numb. It's affecting my personality and I know I'm not being myself. What can I do? Pray. I pray everyday for the strength to just make it through the day without breaking down. I pray that God will consume me and take the reigns of my life. I pray that he will give me some sign that after all this time, something will finally be okay again. I've never had so many emotions coursing through my brain at one time. I feel like a child. I feel so ignorant. I feel helpless, but I'm slowly learning to just shut my mind up and say, "look, God is the one who loves you unconditionally, forever. Suck it up and just be." Unfortunately I've never been the type of person to just be able to flow without thinking about the future and what every decision I make will mean. The few times I've ever done that have backfired on me, and have caused my walls to build up layer after layer. The walls around my heart are fortified to the point I don't even know where to begin chipping them away. There's no one who can help me but God himself.

I came here thinking I was going to leave my old life behind and finally start anew. No more family drama. No more friend mishaps. No more caring about anything superficial and trivial. Don't get me wrong, I've never been the type of person to rely heavily on the things of this world. I've learned to become content with what I've been handed to me for a while now. I am human, though, and I've allowed those silly types of things to control my mind and every thought of everyday to the point I just want to run away and not have to look at anyone anymore. The past two months I've let the things of this world consume me more than I ever have in my life. I've acted moody. I've acted stupid. I've acted hateful for the sake of entertaining myself. I've acted callous and like I don't care. I've shut my entire team out so that they don't know how truely lost I am. I've lost sense of what made me who I am in the first place. Everything I've gone through to make me the strong human being I am today has been completely brushed off these past two months. I search my soul and I scream silent screams in the darkness, hot tears coursing down my face, because it hurts so much to recognize how lost I've become.

So the question is, am I going to trust in my inherent sense of what's right and what's wrong and just get over myself? Am I going to tear down the walls for the sake of letting my one true love take over my heart and soul? Am I going to allow myself to be changed, so that when I come home at the end of this people will stand up and notice that there's something different about me? Am I going to become the person God wants me to be, or will I just sit back and let my life happen to me?

I am silly.
I am stupid.
I am reckless.
I am unworthy.
I am a cheater.
I am a gossiper.
I have been a bad friend.
I have not been worthy of being loved by other human beings.
I have not been compassionate.
I have been selfish.

But... at the end of the day, those traits are human. God's love for me exceeds all human flaws because he knows I am incapable of being anything other than human. God will not, and does not need to chase after me. The biggest decision of a Christian's life is to accept Jesus as their Savior and then dedicate their lives to glorifying His sacrifice for us. I've got part one down, it's the second part I'm going to dedicate the rest of my time and energy on this trip and through the rest of my life to being the best I can be in the eyes of God. Think about it, the things you take pride in and the things you've accomplished and the things that you hold dear to your heart...does God take precedence over all of them? I know He doesn't in my life. It's all going to change though. Not instantly, because the things that are worth it are the hardest and most trying and time consuming to achieve. So I challenge you as I challenge myself. I challege us to destroy our former selves and let God's kingdom live within us. Not only live within us, but prosper like it's meant to. The time is going to come where God is truely my everything, and when that day comes everything else will fall into place. All He wants is to be the most important thing in my life. My reason for living.

WATCH THIS BEFORE MOVING ON.

If you think about it, really think about it, is that so much to ask? I cry out to God asking Him and begging Him to just make it "okay" and to bring me some sort of hope. When did "okay" become the goal in life? The day I decide that the things of this world mean nothing to me, is the day that everything I ever needed will be provided for me by my Lord. I am here to be a servant of the world around me, so that the things I do will glorify God. I am here to be a servant of the Lord, and a true servant does what is needed with no questions asked and without expecation of reward.

Matthew 25:45 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me". If I don't take every opportunity to serve, then I am not serving Christ. If I take every opportunity to serve, then I am serving Christ. It's time to snuff out the glamorous prospects of being "on fire for Jesus" and being a missionary, and just being a servant. In the words of my friend Nathan, "It's time I wait for the good stuff, and chase after the great stuff."

No more worries. My day is going to come.

All for HIS Glory,
Taylor

I Don't Want To Go Through The Motions.

Four days from now I will have been living in El Salvador for exactly two months. Where did the time go? Here's what I've learned thus far:
-Life is too short not to take advantage of everyday.
-Friends are too precious not to love them each and every time you see them or talk to them.
-God is the only one who can truely give me joy in this life.
-Jesus died for me, and because of that my life will be dedicated to honoring that sacrifice.
-Rules are made for a reason, and are meant to be respected. Following them is not an option.
-The other members of my team were chosen by God to be here for a reason, so it's up to me to respect them and decide to love them, even when all I want to do is run away.
-This experience is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I have no right to squander it by being discontent.
-Being discontent is a choice, just like being unhappy happens when we let ourselves fall under the mercy of things out of our control.
-I am in control of what I get out of this experience. Nothing anyone says or does can change that.
-God has a plan for me, but it's up to me to let him take control and make it happen.

September was a month of never ending rain and cold nights. It was a month of self-doubt and insecurity in myself and the decision I made by coming here. It was the last time I will ever let myself complain about having downtime. Some people don't even have a bed to sleep in, and I am mad that I have time to think and grow in my relationship with God. It was a month of letting my teammates quarrel and always resort back to being separated no matter how many times someone would bring us back together.

October greets me with a sunny morning and a cool wind to blow away my doubts. El Salvador is awake and pulsating today, as am I. The weather gets warmer and warmer, but I refuse to sweat the small things. I want to wake up every morning, feeling my heart beating, and know that I am alive. I am alive and as long as my heart beats, I will truely live for every moment to the fullest. My team is finally coming together, as we should be. We are united in our mission: to glorify God. We stand united against the evil in this world, and seeing our interactions is going to change the people we touch.

I miss the people I love at home everyday. As suprising as it sounds, I actually miss Chick-Fil-A too. Not the overpowering smell of chicken that follows me home after work every night, but the people who I've met there. That place has changed my life for the better. As much as I wish I could just spend a few days with my family and doing the things I'm accustomed to, there is work to be done here. At the beginning of this journey I told myself I was going to come out of it a changed person. I'm through with going through the motions here. Doing only what is necessary to look like I'm getting something out of it. I am going to take avantage of everyday, and at the end of this...the world I knew before will be rocked by my new presence in it. At the end of the day, this is all for my relationship with God. Some days I'll sit down and think about how different I was even last year. God keeps changing my life for the better over and over again, and I am floored by the extent of His love for us. We are not worthy. We are never thankful enough. We are so imperfect. We have the audacity to tell Him "no" over and over again and yet He is always there for us. He does not need us, but we will never see a day when we need Him any less. I refuse to come out of this life asking myself, "What if I had given everything"?

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

All For His Glory,
Taylor

Heartbreak Warfare.

The past week I've been feeling something building inside of me. It wasn't necessarily a good or bad feeling, I just knew something was brooding in my heart and I couldn't figure out why it was making my emotions feel so up and down. I am tired. Sad. Angry. Happy. Content. Confused. Hurt. Unbelieveably faithful. It's so hard to figure out what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. I'm constantly surrounded by people I don't truely know and I see things everyday that hurt just to look at.

Our team has been unbearably separated and distant and hateful with each other for a while now, and on Tuesday during Discipleship class with Pastor Mario we laid it all out in the open. Everyone let it be known how they were feeling towards everyone in the group. It was decided that the boys are going to move out. It will give us girls a better chance to bond and get to know each other without the distraction of testosterone overload hanging around, and it will give the boys a chance to just be boys and not feel so suffocated by six girls. We also decided that switching roomates for a week would be a great way to get to know each other more personally. I'm paired up with Tiffany for the time being, and when she found out she had to room with me she claimed to be having a panic attack in her mind. I don't know why anyone would be afraid of getting to know me, but it's all good now. The change in the atmosphere of the group is tangable. Everyone's attitudes are already changing for the better. We're all 18 or 19 years old, so we all just have a lot of growing up to do. We have to learn how to accept each other and love each other even when we don't understand. We're called to, so we must do it.

The past week has been pretty standard. Our routine here is pretty monotonous unless something special is going on. Mondays we hang around the house and get some rest. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays we have school until 12:30 and then either Discipleship, Evangelism, or Seminary classes until 2:30/3:30. Wednesdays we go to school, and then attend church at night. Saturdays we go to the Rescue Ministry for the homeless and attend youth group at night. Sundays are consumed with church and evangelism. This past Sunday we teamed up with one of the daughter churches, Iglesia Bautista La Gloria, to go out in the community and share our testimonies door-to-door. Katelyn was my partner, and her stage fright got the best of her. She's constantly having to battle it and I sympathize with her so much. I remember days in middle school where I would turn bright red in front of my class and rush through presentations so I could just sit down and have everyone stop looking at me. I decided to ease her of her misery and shared my testimony with all of the houses willing to hear. It is physically and emotionally draining sharing the story of your life. Everytime you share it you have a new hope that you will touch your audience and that they will come to know Christ, and everytime they turn you away (not necessarily impolitely) you feel disappointed. I know that when the day comes where my story leads someone to their salvation, every failure and rejection will be made worth it.

The kids had a teacher work day today so they didn't have classes. We, however, still went to school for Seminary and Spanish class. Our Seminary teacher was unable to show up because he was called into a meeting, and one of our Spanish teachers was a no-show, so we sat around for four hours and had only one hour of classes. Somehow I didn't get frustrated at the way the day turned out. Our church is located right next to a poor area. Our classroom is on the top floor, so while the others were on their computers, Wes and I stepped out and sat by the back stairs. All I did was let the wind blow through my hair as I observed the community below. The houses are literally stacked one on top of the other and children run through the alleys between buildings. Some of the men down there have an aura of such anger surrounding them. I don't know what they've been through. I don't know their circumstances. All I know is that I wish there was something I could do to strip them of their anger and fears. I wish I was more than a inexperienced eighteen year old girl. That building feeling of something I've been having all week finally exploded in my heart. A sense of complete calm and serenity has washed over me and I know that God is preparing my heart for the day when I'll have the means to help these people. I'm going to change the life of someone someday. God has it all figured out, so I have no need to worry.

I complain because we have so much downtime and that I thought I was going to be experiencing life changing events. I was so consummed by my disappointment in the excess of bordum that I never realized how much this truely is changing me. I am letting the control of my life slip through my fingers and into God's open arms. I am letting my pride fly away on the wind and not letting petty thoughts poison my mind. I am figuring out that I have so much to offer this world because of the chances I've been blessed with. I am looking out my windows and seeing the hurt of the world. I'm letting myself be changed, because if we never let the things that make our heart ache truely change us, then we are lost. I am becoming who I am meant to be, one day at a time.

All for His Glory,
Taylor

Here's Lookin' At You Kid.

How precious do we really consider life? Do we really think about how little time we have, or do we just live everyday like we have all the time in world? I lost one of my friends yesterday. He is the first person I've ever known that's died and I honestly don't know how to feel. It absolutely breaks my heart and my mind is like a movie reel of memories I've made with him playing over and over again. I remember looking out my window at my house and seeing him riding his bike down the street or riding a skateboard. He always seemed to have a cast or an injury growing up because he was so fearless and always hurt himself playing baseball or doing something crazy. He was always active and I envy his athletic ability even to this day. The first time I ever played Mario Tennis was in his basement. We would jump on John Paul Steele's trampoline for hours in our neighborhood. I would sit on the curb by his house while I watched him and my brother and the other boys of the neighborhood playing street hockey or any number of sports. The first time I ever listened to "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey was with him in Personal Fitness our junior year of high school. I remember laughing so hard because he was singing along to it like a fool. He didn't care what people thought of him. He was always joking around having a good time. I'm not going to lie, he wasn't my best friend in the world and I'm not going to pretend I knew everything about him. But he WAS my friend and I looked forward to managing the baseball team at Kell simply because I loved to see him play along with the other guys. Our Junior year I couldn't drive yet, and I remember feeling so cool because I got to ride home with him and his older brother from the games. I remember when all of sudden a bunch of my friends thought he was so cute and I again felt so smug because I had known him my whole life. I remember so many nights being on headset at Chick-Fil-A and his dad ordering a Dr. Pepper (no ice) and an Arnold Palmer for himself. It always made my day to see that family come through my drive-thru. I am so blessed to have reconnected with him in high school, because I would never trade hearing him call me "T-Timeeee" down the hallways for anything. The last time I ever saw him was at the Braves vs Mets game in early August. Seeing him didn't even register as something special in my mind, because he's always been there. He's always been in my life, so I never truely valued what an awesome kid he is. I don't even want to think about him in the past tense, because it doesn't seem possible that I can't hate on him for being a Yankees fan anymore.

 Now that I think about it, how many friends do I have that I've just let go because I "don't have time" to catch up or because I'm in another country? What kind of excuse is that? You can't put off being someone's friend for another day. Can you honestly say you know you'll be here another day? Is it worth risking never getting to say goodbye to someone? I can't help but think that if I had been home and had hung out with him I could have seen the signs. I could have said something. I could have reassured him that he had a whole brilliant life to live. I could have sung "Don't Stop Believin'" to him. I could have done anything. Suicide is such a sensitive subject. You will always think "if I could have just...bla bla bla". It's not anyone's fault, yet I know I can't help but wish I could have tried to reach him. At the end of the day it is what it is, and all we can do is pray that he's watching a Yankees game in Heaven right now.

I am not willing to let another life of a friend slip through my fingertips. I am not willing to let another life blink out of this world feeling like there is no other option. I am not willing to get another phone call saying one of my friends is dead. I am not willing to throw away a friendship because I don't have time. Each day is precious, because in the big picture...our days ARE numbered. So will we spend them mourning the days we should have made the most of, or will we learn from our yesterdays in order to make our tomorrow the best it can be?

Rest in peace, Zachary Quinn Grillo. Thanks to you I value each and every minute of the days I have left. Thanks to you I will never take another life for granted. Thanks to you I am a fan of Journey. Thanks to you I push myself to run just a little bit harder, because you could always run for miles. I will never forget you, and your entire family will forever be in my heart. You'll always be my favorite #7.

All for His Glory,
Taylor

Now I'm Free, Free Fallin'.

There is literally no silence here unless you go looking for it. With eight eighteen to nineteen year old kids living together, I guess it's to be expected. So I've escaped to the enormous front balcony to find some relief for my whirrling mind. I think it's about to rain, because the clouds are gigantic and a smokey blue grey color. They completely shroud the volcano in front of me in an ominous halo and the temperature has dropped significantly.

 I find it funny how I never realized how much of an introvert I can be sometimes. I hate not having my own space to sit and think and just clear my head in. I hate having to constantly be held accountable for the way I'm feeling. Sometimes you just feel sad, or sometimes you just feel angry, just like sometimes you feel happy. No one questions you when you're happy, so why does there always have to be something wrong if I just don't feel like smiling 24/7? I along with others are beginning to feel the strain of living with such a diverse group of individuals. I know I personally feel trapped being in the house and the church and the school all day, everyday. There is so much more to this country than just San Salvador, and thus far I feel like I'm nestled in my little safe cocoon not experiencing what the country has to offer. I know that eventually we will be able to go through the country and explore it's treasures, just right now when I'm feeling so disconnected from the majority of the group I feel more suffocated than ever.

I know who I am. I know how certain situations make me feel, and I know how to react to different types of personalities that clash with my own. I know how to listen to someone. I know I'm terrible at expressing how I feel unless it's on paper. I am fortunate enough to have gone through some of the hardest moments of my life, because they have made me into who I am today sooner and more severely than most ever get to. I was talking to my dad today and he made such a good point about life. The things I'm going through now with the attitudes of people here are so similar to the things I experienced with my softball team three years ago. It's funny how situations parallel to each other and prepare you for dealing with them each time they present themselves to you. I know that the only way our team is going to get through this is if we get a wake up call. We are here for a single purpose: to stand united in order to imerse ourselves in the language and culture of El Salvador for the glory of God. If we allow little things about each other get under our skin, we will never accomplish our goal fully, and I garuntee we will look back on this year and regret not making the most of it. We simply need a better understanding of each other. We are the way we are because of something that we've experienced before. If certain things bother you about someone, so what? Get over it, because life isn't about cotton candy and fairies. Either you accept that people are who they are and let yourself adapt to being around them, or you let it consume you and destroy the central reason you came here in the first place.

I personally have grown so much closer to the Lord and discovered how being reliant on Him instead of things of this world makes the way people act seem so much more insignificant. We could all use a lot more of this in our lives. Are you going to let the things of this world control how you come out of it in the end? Are you going to allow the devil to infiltrate your heart and mind and ruin your work for God? Are you willing to let what someone else does affect the way you see the world? You have your own two eyes, so you're either going to use them to see in a whole new light, or you're going to look through goggles fogged by the outlook of someone else.

The clouds have turned black and the wind makes them move in wispy swirls that make my heart squeeze with fear of the storm to come. Nature is proof of how fleeting the things of this world are, and how precious every moment is. In one moment the world will be set on fire by the rain slashing against the earth and lightning tearing the sky open, and in the next moment the sun will pour through the clouds and signal all is well. If each moment is so fleeting, wouldn't it be better spent to dance in the rain than hide from it? Wouldn't it be better spent to bask in the sunlight and soak in it's rays than hide in the dark of the house, hidden behind the flourescent lighting of a computer screen? To each his own in how they want spend their life. Take it from my personal experience, hiding from the world or letting the negative things consume you never works out in the end. In the end God is the only answer. Are you willing to accpet that?

All for His Glory,
Taylor