There is literally no silence here unless you go looking for it. With eight eighteen to nineteen year old kids living together, I guess it's to be expected. So I've escaped to the enormous front balcony to find some relief for my whirrling mind. I think it's about to rain, because the clouds are gigantic and a smokey blue grey color. They completely shroud the volcano in front of me in an ominous halo and the temperature has dropped significantly.
I find it funny how I never realized how much of an introvert I can be sometimes. I hate not having my own space to sit and think and just clear my head in. I hate having to constantly be held accountable for the way I'm feeling. Sometimes you just feel sad, or sometimes you just feel angry, just like sometimes you feel happy. No one questions you when you're happy, so why does there always have to be something wrong if I just don't feel like smiling 24/7? I along with others are beginning to feel the strain of living with such a diverse group of individuals. I know I personally feel trapped being in the house and the church and the school all day, everyday. There is so much more to this country than just San Salvador, and thus far I feel like I'm nestled in my little safe cocoon not experiencing what the country has to offer. I know that eventually we will be able to go through the country and explore it's treasures, just right now when I'm feeling so disconnected from the majority of the group I feel more suffocated than ever.
I know who I am. I know how certain situations make me feel, and I know how to react to different types of personalities that clash with my own. I know how to listen to someone. I know I'm terrible at expressing how I feel unless it's on paper. I am fortunate enough to have gone through some of the hardest moments of my life, because they have made me into who I am today sooner and more severely than most ever get to. I was talking to my dad today and he made such a good point about life. The things I'm going through now with the attitudes of people here are so similar to the things I experienced with my softball team three years ago. It's funny how situations parallel to each other and prepare you for dealing with them each time they present themselves to you. I know that the only way our team is going to get through this is if we get a wake up call. We are here for a single purpose: to stand united in order to imerse ourselves in the language and culture of El Salvador for the glory of God. If we allow little things about each other get under our skin, we will never accomplish our goal fully, and I garuntee we will look back on this year and regret not making the most of it. We simply need a better understanding of each other. We are the way we are because of something that we've experienced before. If certain things bother you about someone, so what? Get over it, because life isn't about cotton candy and fairies. Either you accept that people are who they are and let yourself adapt to being around them, or you let it consume you and destroy the central reason you came here in the first place.
I personally have grown so much closer to the Lord and discovered how being reliant on Him instead of things of this world makes the way people act seem so much more insignificant. We could all use a lot more of this in our lives. Are you going to let the things of this world control how you come out of it in the end? Are you going to allow the devil to infiltrate your heart and mind and ruin your work for God? Are you willing to let what someone else does affect the way you see the world? You have your own two eyes, so you're either going to use them to see in a whole new light, or you're going to look through goggles fogged by the outlook of someone else.
The clouds have turned black and the wind makes them move in wispy swirls that make my heart squeeze with fear of the storm to come. Nature is proof of how fleeting the things of this world are, and how precious every moment is. In one moment the world will be set on fire by the rain slashing against the earth and lightning tearing the sky open, and in the next moment the sun will pour through the clouds and signal all is well. If each moment is so fleeting, wouldn't it be better spent to dance in the rain than hide from it? Wouldn't it be better spent to bask in the sunlight and soak in it's rays than hide in the dark of the house, hidden behind the flourescent lighting of a computer screen? To each his own in how they want spend their life. Take it from my personal experience, hiding from the world or letting the negative things consume you never works out in the end. In the end God is the only answer. Are you willing to accpet that?
All for His Glory,
Taylor
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