I Run To Your Arms Of Love.

So here's straight up how it is. I've been living as a Christian for what, maybe three months tops? I've come to realize that I have abosolutely no idea what I'm doing. I've spent the last three years of my life trying to be the rock of my family. Nothing could touch me. Nothing could get to me. I always had to be that shoulder everyone could cry on. It ashamed me those few times I did break down in front of someone else. So now I'm faced with the prospect of completely tearing down all the walls I've worked so long to perfect in order to give my life competely to God. It's excruciating. I feel numb. It's affecting my personality and I know I'm not being myself. What can I do? Pray. I pray everyday for the strength to just make it through the day without breaking down. I pray that God will consume me and take the reigns of my life. I pray that he will give me some sign that after all this time, something will finally be okay again. I've never had so many emotions coursing through my brain at one time. I feel like a child. I feel so ignorant. I feel helpless, but I'm slowly learning to just shut my mind up and say, "look, God is the one who loves you unconditionally, forever. Suck it up and just be." Unfortunately I've never been the type of person to just be able to flow without thinking about the future and what every decision I make will mean. The few times I've ever done that have backfired on me, and have caused my walls to build up layer after layer. The walls around my heart are fortified to the point I don't even know where to begin chipping them away. There's no one who can help me but God himself.

I came here thinking I was going to leave my old life behind and finally start anew. No more family drama. No more friend mishaps. No more caring about anything superficial and trivial. Don't get me wrong, I've never been the type of person to rely heavily on the things of this world. I've learned to become content with what I've been handed to me for a while now. I am human, though, and I've allowed those silly types of things to control my mind and every thought of everyday to the point I just want to run away and not have to look at anyone anymore. The past two months I've let the things of this world consume me more than I ever have in my life. I've acted moody. I've acted stupid. I've acted hateful for the sake of entertaining myself. I've acted callous and like I don't care. I've shut my entire team out so that they don't know how truely lost I am. I've lost sense of what made me who I am in the first place. Everything I've gone through to make me the strong human being I am today has been completely brushed off these past two months. I search my soul and I scream silent screams in the darkness, hot tears coursing down my face, because it hurts so much to recognize how lost I've become.

So the question is, am I going to trust in my inherent sense of what's right and what's wrong and just get over myself? Am I going to tear down the walls for the sake of letting my one true love take over my heart and soul? Am I going to allow myself to be changed, so that when I come home at the end of this people will stand up and notice that there's something different about me? Am I going to become the person God wants me to be, or will I just sit back and let my life happen to me?

I am silly.
I am stupid.
I am reckless.
I am unworthy.
I am a cheater.
I am a gossiper.
I have been a bad friend.
I have not been worthy of being loved by other human beings.
I have not been compassionate.
I have been selfish.

But... at the end of the day, those traits are human. God's love for me exceeds all human flaws because he knows I am incapable of being anything other than human. God will not, and does not need to chase after me. The biggest decision of a Christian's life is to accept Jesus as their Savior and then dedicate their lives to glorifying His sacrifice for us. I've got part one down, it's the second part I'm going to dedicate the rest of my time and energy on this trip and through the rest of my life to being the best I can be in the eyes of God. Think about it, the things you take pride in and the things you've accomplished and the things that you hold dear to your heart...does God take precedence over all of them? I know He doesn't in my life. It's all going to change though. Not instantly, because the things that are worth it are the hardest and most trying and time consuming to achieve. So I challenge you as I challenge myself. I challege us to destroy our former selves and let God's kingdom live within us. Not only live within us, but prosper like it's meant to. The time is going to come where God is truely my everything, and when that day comes everything else will fall into place. All He wants is to be the most important thing in my life. My reason for living.

WATCH THIS BEFORE MOVING ON.

If you think about it, really think about it, is that so much to ask? I cry out to God asking Him and begging Him to just make it "okay" and to bring me some sort of hope. When did "okay" become the goal in life? The day I decide that the things of this world mean nothing to me, is the day that everything I ever needed will be provided for me by my Lord. I am here to be a servant of the world around me, so that the things I do will glorify God. I am here to be a servant of the Lord, and a true servant does what is needed with no questions asked and without expecation of reward.

Matthew 25:45 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me". If I don't take every opportunity to serve, then I am not serving Christ. If I take every opportunity to serve, then I am serving Christ. It's time to snuff out the glamorous prospects of being "on fire for Jesus" and being a missionary, and just being a servant. In the words of my friend Nathan, "It's time I wait for the good stuff, and chase after the great stuff."

No more worries. My day is going to come.

All for HIS Glory,
Taylor