After two months back home in the States I decided that writing keeps me accountable in a way that nothing else can. It soothes my soul and releases tension, sometimes when I don't even realize I'm tense.
I've also realized that I'm doing a pretty bang-up job of screwing up everything that I learned in El Salvador. I just now realized again something I had realized long ago: that I'm nothing without Him, so what on earth have I been doing? I'm firmly putting my foot down on my failure and starting new at tblankstein.blogspot.com.
Fittingly it's called "Less Than Perfect", because I know I will never be absolutely perfect. I know that He is the only perfect thing about me, but I am making a change today. My United States self should be no different from my El Salvador self, and that starts NOW.
Here's to rediscovering what I've lost, and being surprised by what I might find I've been missing all along. To those of you who have been following me from the beginning: thank you. You all have no idea how much of encouragement your kind comments have meant to me. Please continue to follow my journey with Christ in this next chapter of living all for His glory and share how He's using you. I love you all.
Less than perfect and always for His glory,
Taylor
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
I Am All For His Glory.
My last week in El Salvador was heart wrenching, emotionally draining, beautiful, amazing, and by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced. My mom arrived Sunday afternoon, and I felt a strange senese of forboding wash over me as I hugged my beautiful momma. She was the best part of my life in the United States placed smack dab in the middle of my personal journey in El Salv. Seeing her made me realize that my time was drawing to an end, and it scared me. How could I possibly go back to the place I grew up and be happy after living in a land of endless adventure and beauty for so many months? Do I have the strength and the Faith required to stay true to what I believe? For the most part those feelings didn't bother me too much during her stay, although occasionally I found myself listening to the latest news of home and realizing just how different I have truely become.
The time I spent with her is invaulable to me. She is one of my best friends and the best mom I could ever ask for. Monday was our last time at Exodo and I am so glad she was able to experience that. It's funny how we never realize how much things mean to us, especially the little things, until we have to give them up. It was so heart warming to see my mom love on those kids like the mother they need so badly. It didn't matter where they had come from or what they had been through, she held them in her arms and played with them like they were her own. The whole time we were there I tried so hard to get in as much time with those kids as I could. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry, because this wasn't goodbye. I would see them again someday, even if it's in Heaven. I stayed strong until the very end, when I had to say goodbye to 4 year old Blanca, who stole a special part of my heart. I picked her up and gave her one last hug, and she began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears that started pouring out of my eyes. I didn't want to be another person she invested in only to have them leave her in the end. No group had ever spent an extended amount of time with those kids. I pray that the team next year will fall in love with them as I have, and treat them with the heart of love that Jesus possessed.
That next day Wes's mom and grandmother came. We went to Puerta del Diablo because I knew it was a view that takes your breath away and that was exactly what both of our moms needed. Mine and Wes's mom were daring enough to climb Puerta del Diablo with me and Wes in the rain, and when we reached the top I sensed the weight of their lives back home slowly begin to lift away from them. God was clearly present that day. I pray that one day in the future I will climb that mountain again, and remember how close to God I felt in that moment and in my time in El Salvador.
It was definitely a struggle learning to accept that not all people are like Salvadorians. I became so comfortable in my little God centered world in that tiny country, and it weakened me. How can I only have Faith and be Christ-like when it's easy? It's been a hard lesson to learn, but I know that it's God shaping me and carving me into someone who can Glorify His name. I cannot wait to get back to the States and just love on all of the people I left behind. I am different, and I hope that it will be an inspiration for those who have lost their way.
Thursday, our last time at Metamorfosis, was by far the hardest and most God-filled. We walked into that building and the faces of those amazing men lit up instantaneously. They had a whole going away ceremony planned for us, and some of the men shared their testimoies with us. To hear of those men, coming from lives so broken and so hopeless, and seeing how they have been completely delivered in Christ was absolutley INSANE. It makes me realize just how big God is, and gives me hope that anyone can change in Him. They thanked us for accepting them when most of their fellow country men would not. They thanked us for showing them the love of Christ, when they had experienced so many moments of darkness. I don't think they even realize how much we owe them. They are some of the most kind and incredble people I've ever met, and they are an inspirational testimony of God's power and mercy. I cried tears of joy and sadness as I had to say goodbye to them, but I know that I will see them again in Heaven as well, and that makes it all the more sweeter.
Friday was graduation. That morning at rehearsal our team was set against each other. Fighting, bickering and being absolutely horrible. I know it was Satan trying to tear us apart when we were so close to finishing strong. Amy prayed over us and by that night, we were united once again in Christ and in my speech, I challenged them to remember the person they used to be, and to stand firm in who they are today. God was the only reason I was able to share those words. I was so afraid to mess up. I was so doubting of the spanish I had learned. I was so weak, and so unprepared. God showed up, though, and it flowed for His glory.
Saying goodbye to the people in El Salvador, was quite honestly miserable. I didn't want to leave them. They accepted me as one of their own and loved me every single day. I didn't want to give that up. I know in my heart that I will return one day, but for now I have to be firm in God's will for me and keep their faces burned into my memories. I can never forget them.
It's funny how going back to the US scares me more than the prospect of going to a country like China, where people are killed for sharing Christ. At least in China I would know clearly who my enemy is. The dangers are obvious and frightening there, but the dangers back home are far more terrifying. They are on a spiritual level. Satan will work subtly to break down the things I know are true. He will more than likely use people who only want the best for me to make me believe living culturally is better than standing firm in the Truth. As scared and as nervous as I am, a calm peace is washing over me as my plane is descending into Atlanta. God is with me. I will never lose my faith in Him. During those times where I am tempted, the times where I am broken, and even during the times when I think everything is going smoothly...He is with me. He is the master planner, and I know His plan for my life is GOOD.
So to sum up in a nutshell what I've taken from my experience in El Salvador: people, things, this Earth...they are all temporary. I will enjoy them while I'm here, and I will do my best to share with them the reason I have died in Christ and now find my life in Him. My personal journey with the Lord doesn't stop at the borders of El Salvador. It never stops. It's frightening and scary to think about what lays ahead of me in my future, but at the same time I cannot wait to just love people the way Jesus has loved me for the rest of my life.
Chapter 2 of my new life in Him begins today. God is with me. I am ready.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
The time I spent with her is invaulable to me. She is one of my best friends and the best mom I could ever ask for. Monday was our last time at Exodo and I am so glad she was able to experience that. It's funny how we never realize how much things mean to us, especially the little things, until we have to give them up. It was so heart warming to see my mom love on those kids like the mother they need so badly. It didn't matter where they had come from or what they had been through, she held them in her arms and played with them like they were her own. The whole time we were there I tried so hard to get in as much time with those kids as I could. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry, because this wasn't goodbye. I would see them again someday, even if it's in Heaven. I stayed strong until the very end, when I had to say goodbye to 4 year old Blanca, who stole a special part of my heart. I picked her up and gave her one last hug, and she began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears that started pouring out of my eyes. I didn't want to be another person she invested in only to have them leave her in the end. No group had ever spent an extended amount of time with those kids. I pray that the team next year will fall in love with them as I have, and treat them with the heart of love that Jesus possessed.
That next day Wes's mom and grandmother came. We went to Puerta del Diablo because I knew it was a view that takes your breath away and that was exactly what both of our moms needed. Mine and Wes's mom were daring enough to climb Puerta del Diablo with me and Wes in the rain, and when we reached the top I sensed the weight of their lives back home slowly begin to lift away from them. God was clearly present that day. I pray that one day in the future I will climb that mountain again, and remember how close to God I felt in that moment and in my time in El Salvador.
It was definitely a struggle learning to accept that not all people are like Salvadorians. I became so comfortable in my little God centered world in that tiny country, and it weakened me. How can I only have Faith and be Christ-like when it's easy? It's been a hard lesson to learn, but I know that it's God shaping me and carving me into someone who can Glorify His name. I cannot wait to get back to the States and just love on all of the people I left behind. I am different, and I hope that it will be an inspiration for those who have lost their way.
Thursday, our last time at Metamorfosis, was by far the hardest and most God-filled. We walked into that building and the faces of those amazing men lit up instantaneously. They had a whole going away ceremony planned for us, and some of the men shared their testimoies with us. To hear of those men, coming from lives so broken and so hopeless, and seeing how they have been completely delivered in Christ was absolutley INSANE. It makes me realize just how big God is, and gives me hope that anyone can change in Him. They thanked us for accepting them when most of their fellow country men would not. They thanked us for showing them the love of Christ, when they had experienced so many moments of darkness. I don't think they even realize how much we owe them. They are some of the most kind and incredble people I've ever met, and they are an inspirational testimony of God's power and mercy. I cried tears of joy and sadness as I had to say goodbye to them, but I know that I will see them again in Heaven as well, and that makes it all the more sweeter.
Friday was graduation. That morning at rehearsal our team was set against each other. Fighting, bickering and being absolutely horrible. I know it was Satan trying to tear us apart when we were so close to finishing strong. Amy prayed over us and by that night, we were united once again in Christ and in my speech, I challenged them to remember the person they used to be, and to stand firm in who they are today. God was the only reason I was able to share those words. I was so afraid to mess up. I was so doubting of the spanish I had learned. I was so weak, and so unprepared. God showed up, though, and it flowed for His glory.
Saying goodbye to the people in El Salvador, was quite honestly miserable. I didn't want to leave them. They accepted me as one of their own and loved me every single day. I didn't want to give that up. I know in my heart that I will return one day, but for now I have to be firm in God's will for me and keep their faces burned into my memories. I can never forget them.
It's funny how going back to the US scares me more than the prospect of going to a country like China, where people are killed for sharing Christ. At least in China I would know clearly who my enemy is. The dangers are obvious and frightening there, but the dangers back home are far more terrifying. They are on a spiritual level. Satan will work subtly to break down the things I know are true. He will more than likely use people who only want the best for me to make me believe living culturally is better than standing firm in the Truth. As scared and as nervous as I am, a calm peace is washing over me as my plane is descending into Atlanta. God is with me. I will never lose my faith in Him. During those times where I am tempted, the times where I am broken, and even during the times when I think everything is going smoothly...He is with me. He is the master planner, and I know His plan for my life is GOOD.
So to sum up in a nutshell what I've taken from my experience in El Salvador: people, things, this Earth...they are all temporary. I will enjoy them while I'm here, and I will do my best to share with them the reason I have died in Christ and now find my life in Him. My personal journey with the Lord doesn't stop at the borders of El Salvador. It never stops. It's frightening and scary to think about what lays ahead of me in my future, but at the same time I cannot wait to just love people the way Jesus has loved me for the rest of my life.
Chapter 2 of my new life in Him begins today. God is with me. I am ready.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I Am Different.
With my time here in El Salvador slowly ticking down to the two week mark, my heart aches with conflicting emotions. On one hand, I am so thrilled and excited to go back to the States and begin the next stage of my life. I'm scared that I will get back and my old life will be strange to me. I'm worried that my friends will be foreign to me and I wont be able to relate to their collegiate adventures. I passionately hope that no matter how much any of us have changed, TJWNCH will continue to be the amazing group of friends I've been blessed to call my best. I pray desperately that I won't forget about my time here in Central America, because it has changed me for the better. I don't want to lose the strength that I have found here. I am still me, just a more refined and ready for the world version. On the other hand, it saddens me that my time here is coming to an end. El Salvador has become a part of me. I've learned so much here; about myself, about God, about the nature of people and the world. People have told me that the first foreign country you visit always leaves a certain mark on you. I cannot help but think about my time here, and think about how short and sweet nine months is. It can't be summarized by pretty adjectives and well placed words. 99% of my time here was on a supernatural level, and it is though the rest of it just fell into place on an earthly time-scale. Most days I forget that I have a life waiting for me back home. I forget the first 18 years of life that I lived wholly unaware of a bigger world out there waiting for my exploration. I forget the insecurities I suffered throughout high school. I forget the impact that a simple fast-food restaurant made on my life. I forget the way my dad's ears are identical to my own, and the charming way he managed to pass along snorting in his DNA. I scan pictures on facebook of a life that is entirely my own, and yet for the most part it seems like an incredible dream my mind conjured up. I look forward to my momma's visit here during my last week, and yet I picture picking her up from the airport and it seems so surreal. A little piece of my old life stuck square in the middle of my new one. I can only imagine the culture shock I will go through, not because the United States is so drastically different landscape wise, but because of the people. I've been surrounded by a culture of natural givers long enough to realize I prefer a genuine smile and "how are you" to a calculated greeting based on what's expected rather than a real concern for the well being of others. I know that not all people in the States are fake and spoiled. I'm just not looking forward to going back and being surrounded by people who have it very good, but still strive for the next big thing because that's just the way it is.
Looking back on where I was this time last year, my senior spring break was spent in Panama City, Florida. I smile and let loose a little chuckle when I think about how crazy and uncaring my girlfriends and I were. No one expected anything more from us than having fun and enjoying our youth while we still had it. I don't regret those times, simply because they made me who I am today. Plus, I love my girlfriends with all my heart, and the memories I made with them are some that I would never want to trade. Compared to where I am now, though, I seemed like a child when I was only one year younger. It's amazing what a little world experience and spiritual awakening will do to your perspective on life.
This year, I spent the first few days of spring break in the mountains with Young Life and a group of 30 kids from Virginia. The moment we met them was a bit of a culture shock. Just the way they stood and their demeanor screamed "I'm an American" and it warmed my heart how open they were to adding our little Global Year group into their masses. We spend four days with them, climbing and hiking mountains, swimming in rivers, socializing with the locals of the small town, painting, building latrines, and digging fish ponds. It was hard and grueling work, yet these high school kids ripe from the United States did not complain once. They signed their spring break away to work for a higher cause, and were greatly rewarded for it. Every morning I sat above the soccer field that over looked the mountains surrounding me and was continuously left breathless by the beauty and splendor before my eyes. My favorite moment of the entire trip was sitting there on that ledge, listening to "Revelation Song" as a huge bird soared over the trees in front of me and the wind softly caressed me. My heart flooded with euphoric emotion at feeling so in-tune with God's creation. It just shows how great God is that He would make anything with beauty at all. Everything that is magnificent just glorifies Him that much more. That Monday we said our goodbyes to those kids, and returned to San Salvador for one night's rest before we left for our vacation the next day. The trip to Guatemala was incredible. Not just because of the cutesy cobble-stoned street feel of Antigua, or the majestic views of Panajachel's lakeside cities, but because of the opportunity to view more of God's creation, and spend time as a team. I did, however, acquire a nasty flu on the trip, so my last four days of vacation plus some school time was spent in bed.
It's so late right now my mind is wandering and I don't even know where I'm going with all of this. I just know that tonight, we celebrated Easter as a team because on Sunday Amy and I were sick with the flu. I have never felt God's hand so prevalently on a church time of our team as I did tonight. We watched The Passion of the Christ and it was heartbreaking, but I was left with a feeling of giddiness that only the knowledge of my savior's love for me can bring about. Seeing a man beaten and bloodied and nailed upon a cross is gory and it is sickening, but even more so when I think about the fact that it really happened. It happened to MY savior. The savior of the world. I am more thankful each and everyday for His sacrifice for me, because I continuously screw up and fail to live up to Him. If it were not or Him, I would be hopeless and without direction.
So, that's it. That's all life is really about. Continuously running up the down escalator despite the irritated and weirded out looks of those drifting slowly downward into oblivion. It's worth it, because I know an eternity of peace and adoration of God awaits me at the top. Life is but the journey, Heaven is the destination. So here's to finishing my time in El Salvador strong, and beginning the next stage of my journey strong in my faith. Here's to continuously failing because I'm human, and knowing that at the end of the day God still amazingly loves me just the same. Here's to living Biblically, not culturally. Here's to being grateful each and every second of the day for the blood shed on that cross for me, because if He comes back for me in my lifetime... I will be found ready.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
Looking back on where I was this time last year, my senior spring break was spent in Panama City, Florida. I smile and let loose a little chuckle when I think about how crazy and uncaring my girlfriends and I were. No one expected anything more from us than having fun and enjoying our youth while we still had it. I don't regret those times, simply because they made me who I am today. Plus, I love my girlfriends with all my heart, and the memories I made with them are some that I would never want to trade. Compared to where I am now, though, I seemed like a child when I was only one year younger. It's amazing what a little world experience and spiritual awakening will do to your perspective on life.
This year, I spent the first few days of spring break in the mountains with Young Life and a group of 30 kids from Virginia. The moment we met them was a bit of a culture shock. Just the way they stood and their demeanor screamed "I'm an American" and it warmed my heart how open they were to adding our little Global Year group into their masses. We spend four days with them, climbing and hiking mountains, swimming in rivers, socializing with the locals of the small town, painting, building latrines, and digging fish ponds. It was hard and grueling work, yet these high school kids ripe from the United States did not complain once. They signed their spring break away to work for a higher cause, and were greatly rewarded for it. Every morning I sat above the soccer field that over looked the mountains surrounding me and was continuously left breathless by the beauty and splendor before my eyes. My favorite moment of the entire trip was sitting there on that ledge, listening to "Revelation Song" as a huge bird soared over the trees in front of me and the wind softly caressed me. My heart flooded with euphoric emotion at feeling so in-tune with God's creation. It just shows how great God is that He would make anything with beauty at all. Everything that is magnificent just glorifies Him that much more. That Monday we said our goodbyes to those kids, and returned to San Salvador for one night's rest before we left for our vacation the next day. The trip to Guatemala was incredible. Not just because of the cutesy cobble-stoned street feel of Antigua, or the majestic views of Panajachel's lakeside cities, but because of the opportunity to view more of God's creation, and spend time as a team. I did, however, acquire a nasty flu on the trip, so my last four days of vacation plus some school time was spent in bed.
It's so late right now my mind is wandering and I don't even know where I'm going with all of this. I just know that tonight, we celebrated Easter as a team because on Sunday Amy and I were sick with the flu. I have never felt God's hand so prevalently on a church time of our team as I did tonight. We watched The Passion of the Christ and it was heartbreaking, but I was left with a feeling of giddiness that only the knowledge of my savior's love for me can bring about. Seeing a man beaten and bloodied and nailed upon a cross is gory and it is sickening, but even more so when I think about the fact that it really happened. It happened to MY savior. The savior of the world. I am more thankful each and everyday for His sacrifice for me, because I continuously screw up and fail to live up to Him. If it were not or Him, I would be hopeless and without direction.
So, that's it. That's all life is really about. Continuously running up the down escalator despite the irritated and weirded out looks of those drifting slowly downward into oblivion. It's worth it, because I know an eternity of peace and adoration of God awaits me at the top. Life is but the journey, Heaven is the destination. So here's to finishing my time in El Salvador strong, and beginning the next stage of my journey strong in my faith. Here's to continuously failing because I'm human, and knowing that at the end of the day God still amazingly loves me just the same. Here's to living Biblically, not culturally. Here's to being grateful each and every second of the day for the blood shed on that cross for me, because if He comes back for me in my lifetime... I will be found ready.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I Am Faithful.
I sit in my room during dry season, and listen in wonder as the rain pours from the sky above me. It is so odd for it to be raining at all during this time of the year, let alone pouring. I sit here thinking about the rain, and all that has to happen in order for the miracle of water showering from the sky to even be possible. Everything in this world is so perfectly fine-tuned, that something as simple as a raindrop has left me breathless at the wonder that is God.
It's been a long time since I've felt moved to write. Kaylie's sister Amy came to El Salvador to help lead our team in early March, and since she's been here I've talked about God more than I have in my entire life. It feels so good just to share about Him and learn about Him and get excited about Him! Because of this, I've left my writing untouched. I don't know what's so different about tonight. Maybe it's the rain, or maybe there's something supernatural in the air that God is stirring up...regardless, He has completely captured my attention tonight and He has moved me to share.
Giving my everything to God all day every day is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I get tired. I get moody. I get bored. I get all the emotions that a simple human being experiences, and they all seem determined to keep me from being excited about my savior. The more I get down, the more I am forced to give my everything to God to lift myself back up into His arms. I've realized that the more I give to Him, the easier it is every time. I'm sure you're thinking, well duh Taylor. It's not that simple, though. The Bible lays it out perfectly for us, but at the end of the day as with all things in life...it's so much easier said than done. Despite it being the hardest path to follow, for the first time in my life, I am completely content in my relationship with God. Of course I struggle with day to day things and being consumed by the distractions of the world, but with God it's like everything has this beautiful shining haze over it. God's touch is evident in everything. He has taught me so much about who I am and my purpose in this world.
Before I knew about GAP Year I had decided that UGA was going to be my saving grace. God took that option away, and put El Salvador in my path. I came, and have become completely reliant on the Lord. During my time here I decided that I would go to KSU and then transfer to UGA later, but yet again God closed that door. This time not because I don't have what it takes to get into the school, but because he laid out a better option. I keep making decisions based on what I think is right for my future instead of asking God what truly is right for my future according to Him. One night Amy was telling me all about the school she went to, North Greenville University, and as she was talking I become overcome with emotion. I knew in my heart that the Lord wanted me to pursue a Christian education to prepare myself for a life full of missions.
God blessed us with free will because He wants us to come to know Him on our own. What good would a bunch of booty-kissing robots be to Him? How would that glorify Him at all? It's a hard lesson to learn: His ways are higher than our ways. (Isaiah 55:9). So often we try to get things done with our own power. If I just work here long enough, then I'll have enough money saved up to do this later. If I go to school here, then I'll be able to do this in the future. If I marry this person, then I'll have a better life. We try to plan our future according to our culture and what will make life the easiest. Life does not work according to an "if then" statement. It does not work like a mathematical equation. What happened to Jesus saying "if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me"? (Luke 9:23). What happened to "do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". (Matthew 7:19-21). If heaven is truly a reality for me, then what job I have, or where I go to school, or who I marry means nothing to me if those decisions are not made based off of God's will.
The Lord has drastically changed my life. I refuse to sit back and let life take me where it will, because life is saturated with the influence of the enemy. If I let it, life would drag me down until there was no getting up. No, that is not my fate. My fate rests in the hands of an almighty, all knowing, merciful and loving God. He is my everything, and I know that His plan for my life will glorify Him in ways that I cannot begin to imagine at this stage in my life. Being here in El Salvador has opened my mind to a whole new ballgame. Same game, just bigger and badder players. I can never win if I try to do anything ahead of God's timing, or against His will. He loves me so much that He came to earth in the flesh in the form of His only son and died for me. How else can I honor that sacrifice than by doing nothing less than giving everything I have in me to spreading His name?
Philippians 3:7-14 says, "...whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
What am I, or any of us, if we do not give everything to the one who promises us an eternity in heaven? I for one cannot continue to be so bold as to deny Him anything, when it all belongs to Him in the first place. I want to give Him everything, because I love Him. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". (John 3:16)
All For His Glory,
Taylor
It's been a long time since I've felt moved to write. Kaylie's sister Amy came to El Salvador to help lead our team in early March, and since she's been here I've talked about God more than I have in my entire life. It feels so good just to share about Him and learn about Him and get excited about Him! Because of this, I've left my writing untouched. I don't know what's so different about tonight. Maybe it's the rain, or maybe there's something supernatural in the air that God is stirring up...regardless, He has completely captured my attention tonight and He has moved me to share.
Giving my everything to God all day every day is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I get tired. I get moody. I get bored. I get all the emotions that a simple human being experiences, and they all seem determined to keep me from being excited about my savior. The more I get down, the more I am forced to give my everything to God to lift myself back up into His arms. I've realized that the more I give to Him, the easier it is every time. I'm sure you're thinking, well duh Taylor. It's not that simple, though. The Bible lays it out perfectly for us, but at the end of the day as with all things in life...it's so much easier said than done. Despite it being the hardest path to follow, for the first time in my life, I am completely content in my relationship with God. Of course I struggle with day to day things and being consumed by the distractions of the world, but with God it's like everything has this beautiful shining haze over it. God's touch is evident in everything. He has taught me so much about who I am and my purpose in this world.
Before I knew about GAP Year I had decided that UGA was going to be my saving grace. God took that option away, and put El Salvador in my path. I came, and have become completely reliant on the Lord. During my time here I decided that I would go to KSU and then transfer to UGA later, but yet again God closed that door. This time not because I don't have what it takes to get into the school, but because he laid out a better option. I keep making decisions based on what I think is right for my future instead of asking God what truly is right for my future according to Him. One night Amy was telling me all about the school she went to, North Greenville University, and as she was talking I become overcome with emotion. I knew in my heart that the Lord wanted me to pursue a Christian education to prepare myself for a life full of missions.
God blessed us with free will because He wants us to come to know Him on our own. What good would a bunch of booty-kissing robots be to Him? How would that glorify Him at all? It's a hard lesson to learn: His ways are higher than our ways. (Isaiah 55:9). So often we try to get things done with our own power. If I just work here long enough, then I'll have enough money saved up to do this later. If I go to school here, then I'll be able to do this in the future. If I marry this person, then I'll have a better life. We try to plan our future according to our culture and what will make life the easiest. Life does not work according to an "if then" statement. It does not work like a mathematical equation. What happened to Jesus saying "if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me"? (Luke 9:23). What happened to "do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". (Matthew 7:19-21). If heaven is truly a reality for me, then what job I have, or where I go to school, or who I marry means nothing to me if those decisions are not made based off of God's will.
The Lord has drastically changed my life. I refuse to sit back and let life take me where it will, because life is saturated with the influence of the enemy. If I let it, life would drag me down until there was no getting up. No, that is not my fate. My fate rests in the hands of an almighty, all knowing, merciful and loving God. He is my everything, and I know that His plan for my life will glorify Him in ways that I cannot begin to imagine at this stage in my life. Being here in El Salvador has opened my mind to a whole new ballgame. Same game, just bigger and badder players. I can never win if I try to do anything ahead of God's timing, or against His will. He loves me so much that He came to earth in the flesh in the form of His only son and died for me. How else can I honor that sacrifice than by doing nothing less than giving everything I have in me to spreading His name?
Philippians 3:7-14 says, "...whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
What am I, or any of us, if we do not give everything to the one who promises us an eternity in heaven? I for one cannot continue to be so bold as to deny Him anything, when it all belongs to Him in the first place. I want to give Him everything, because I love Him. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". (John 3:16)
All For His Glory,
Taylor
Friday, March 4, 2011
I am Healing.
The time that the team from New Season Church spent here was an incredible one. The whole week I kept begging God to be with me and use me to lead a lost soul to Him. Wednesday we went to a University and Win helped me lead a girl to Christ. It is the most incredible feeling that exists. It's better than any high you can find through drugs or an adrenaline rush. There is nothing like opening your heart to God and seeing what He is capable of doing through you. That same day Wes lead 18 people to Christ. It is unsuprising because he is so open to God's will and so ready to talk to people about his love for God.
As I watched God work through Wes I couldn't help but question why God didn't want to use me in such big ways. I kept getting more down and started questioning myself more and more. We were at a park and I looked up to begin begging God to use me again and there was a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky. It was like God was telling me just to relax, and that He had a plan for me. I immediately walked across the park to where Pastor Steve was standing and told him I would like to share my testimony at the service at church that night.
After the drama I was sent straight up in front of the people to share my story. There was no time to be nervous. There was no time to let my ever-thinking mind to get in my way. It was like I wasn't even speaking. The words just rolled off my tongue, and as I finished I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. Everyone applauded and I garuntee the people I've been working with here for months now saw a side of me they've never experienced before. People got saved that night because I let go and just let God do His thing.
Ever since then I've been going through a lot of spiritual warfare. It's like the closer you get to God the harder the devil tries to pull you away. I began questioning myself and allowing myself to become insecure again about my body and about my faith. Last night it got so bad that I ran up and down my street 3 times screaming in my head for the devil to try to get to me again. He has no chance. I am a warrior of God, so satan can bring it. God will use me no matter what, because no matter what happens to me in this life, I will cling to the Lord with everything I have in me.
I found out literally 10 minutes ago that my Grandmama (dad's mom) died. I was already feeling so down in the dumps today because there is tension in my team. I can't stand it when people fight. As soon as my mom told me the news I broke down into tears. I know my Grandmama is in a bettter place. She was one of the most spunky and brilliant people I've ever known. Although I honestly wasn't as close to her as I could have been, she is a part of me. I chose to play the violin in middle school because I admired her for being a concert violinist in the American Symphony. I treasured the phone calls when her voice was clear and you could tell she was feeling better. She fought sickness and old age like she was in a boxing ring. Everytime she got knocked down she got back up and threw her opponent against the ropes. I am so angry with myself because I wasn't the grandaughter I should have been. I could have called more. I could have visited more. I could have, would have, should have done so many things for her that I will never be able to do again. All I have now is the renewed sense of God in my life, and the realization that I cannot continue to take the precious people in my life for granted.
So, Grandmama, if you're reading this from Heaven right now, I am sorry I let you go without a better sense of who I have become because of you. I love you so much, and my heart is breaking because you are gone. I know that you're in a better place, and that all of your pain is gone and that you are with our Savior at this very moment. In that sense I envy you, but I know that my time here on this earth is not complete. I will spend the rest of my life glorifying God and hopefully making you proud. I love you.
Friends, family and whoever takes the time to read this blog- don't waste another second worrying about petty differences and the things of this world. Life is hard, but life is also short. Use your time wisely so that when the day comes for you to leave this earth, you know that you will be embraced by our Father at the end of the line.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
As I watched God work through Wes I couldn't help but question why God didn't want to use me in such big ways. I kept getting more down and started questioning myself more and more. We were at a park and I looked up to begin begging God to use me again and there was a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky. It was like God was telling me just to relax, and that He had a plan for me. I immediately walked across the park to where Pastor Steve was standing and told him I would like to share my testimony at the service at church that night.
After the drama I was sent straight up in front of the people to share my story. There was no time to be nervous. There was no time to let my ever-thinking mind to get in my way. It was like I wasn't even speaking. The words just rolled off my tongue, and as I finished I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. Everyone applauded and I garuntee the people I've been working with here for months now saw a side of me they've never experienced before. People got saved that night because I let go and just let God do His thing.
Ever since then I've been going through a lot of spiritual warfare. It's like the closer you get to God the harder the devil tries to pull you away. I began questioning myself and allowing myself to become insecure again about my body and about my faith. Last night it got so bad that I ran up and down my street 3 times screaming in my head for the devil to try to get to me again. He has no chance. I am a warrior of God, so satan can bring it. God will use me no matter what, because no matter what happens to me in this life, I will cling to the Lord with everything I have in me.
I found out literally 10 minutes ago that my Grandmama (dad's mom) died. I was already feeling so down in the dumps today because there is tension in my team. I can't stand it when people fight. As soon as my mom told me the news I broke down into tears. I know my Grandmama is in a bettter place. She was one of the most spunky and brilliant people I've ever known. Although I honestly wasn't as close to her as I could have been, she is a part of me. I chose to play the violin in middle school because I admired her for being a concert violinist in the American Symphony. I treasured the phone calls when her voice was clear and you could tell she was feeling better. She fought sickness and old age like she was in a boxing ring. Everytime she got knocked down she got back up and threw her opponent against the ropes. I am so angry with myself because I wasn't the grandaughter I should have been. I could have called more. I could have visited more. I could have, would have, should have done so many things for her that I will never be able to do again. All I have now is the renewed sense of God in my life, and the realization that I cannot continue to take the precious people in my life for granted.
So, Grandmama, if you're reading this from Heaven right now, I am sorry I let you go without a better sense of who I have become because of you. I love you so much, and my heart is breaking because you are gone. I know that you're in a better place, and that all of your pain is gone and that you are with our Savior at this very moment. In that sense I envy you, but I know that my time here on this earth is not complete. I will spend the rest of my life glorifying God and hopefully making you proud. I love you.
Friends, family and whoever takes the time to read this blog- don't waste another second worrying about petty differences and the things of this world. Life is hard, but life is also short. Use your time wisely so that when the day comes for you to leave this earth, you know that you will be embraced by our Father at the end of the line.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I am Ready.
It's Saturday morning and I wake up at the usual seven o'clock A.M. to go to Rescate (the homeless ministry at my church). Today is the day I am supposed to start singing songs during the worship time, all in Spanish of course. I am a little nervous. I can feel the familiar sensation of light headedness creeping along my nerves and my hands begin to tremble. I am praying that God will just use me and my voice to open the hearts of the men and women that will come to sing with me. At least I try to pray, because Mama (bless her heart) loves to talk during our car rides together, so it's a little hard to get a word in edgewise to my bro Jesus Christ. I am expecting to meet my other teamates there, and possibly get Wes to film it so I can show my Momma the video and have her be proud of her singing partner. However, mom and I pull up and I am the only member of my team there, and it turns out none of them are coming. I'm in this thing alone, so I put a smile on my face and give up all of my thoughts of doubt and nerves to God. He is the only reason I am doing this. I personally don't find my voice to be anything spectacular, but if I can use it to touch the hearts of His children, then throw me a mic and let's get singing! One of the men that helps in the ministry is practicing his English with me as I show him which songs I will be singing. As I stand on the stage waiting for the homeless men to flow in from upstairs, I say another quick prayer. God give me strength and use me to make these people Yours. As soon as they are all seated, I am given a quick introduction because most of them recognize me. The music starts and I can barely hear it because of low volume and the pounding of my own heart. Not until the very last song did I truely feel the Holy Spirit working in me, and at that point I gave up trying to get the men to sing along with me and I just poured out my heart and sang to God. It was an incredible feeling, and afterwards many of them came up to me and complimented me on the performance. I know that with practice and time one of those men will fall to his knees and give up his life to God because I was there helping him along.
A lot of the time I find myself frowning at the thought of going out and evangelizing door-to-door because it just seems so futile. "Hi, I'm from the United States with a team of eight. Do you have a few minutes for me to share what God has been doing in my life? Alright sweet, see you later." Even if they do come to know Christ through my quick, watered-down testimony, how can I be sure they have really and truely surrendered their life to God? Becoming changed takes time. Yes, making the decision is a hard and enormous step to take, but if you don't continue up the staircase... you'll never get anywhere. I've realized, though, that even though I could share my testimony a million times I would never get any results unless God was with me and working in my audience. If I don't go out those million times, I'm stealing God's chances of rescuing His people, and who am I to deny Him anything?
Win (Wes's little brother), Steve Flockhart and his team from New Season church came that afternoon. They will all be here for the week, and it's been evangelism...evangelism...evangelism. I garuntee that this isn't what Win was expecting when he chose to come spend his February break in El Salvador with his big brother, but in the end I think he will be changed for the better by coming here. Saturday night we set up a little stage in a park. Win and I sat next to each other in the audience listening to the music and Pastor Steve's message. The entire time there was a homeless man named Alex sitting next to Win. He introduced himself, but because of the language barrier there was little real conversation. The entire time Alex sat next to Win, Win squirmed in his seat and was absolutely uncomfortable. Not because Alex was unclean. Not because Alex was bothering him. Not even because of his A.D.D. It was because Alex had no shoes on. I could see Win being convicted. He couldn't stand to see a man's feet bare and cracked because of so much hard use. Even though Steve's message was being translated into Spanish, you could tell the message wasn't getting to Alex, and so he got up and began to walk away. Win, without a second thought, followed him to the edge of the grass, stopped him and took the shoes off of his own feet and gave them to this man he knew nothing about. Alex, a man who would have walked away, hugged Win with the energy of a man who has experienced true kindness, and walked back to the chairs and receieved Christ. I got a glimpse of the kind of man Win will be someday, and I look forward to seeing him grow into that person. He is so like Wes in so many ways, and his ability to make friends whenever, wherever will, like Wes, allow him to show so many people the way to God. Not too shabby for a potential brother-in-law eh? ;)
That was Saturday, and after many activities, I have yet to really stand up and make an impact in someone's life. I know in my heart and soul that I have a story and a passion for God that He can use to change someone. I'm forcing myself to keep my head up, and know that as long as I keep myself open to His will, He will use me when the time is right.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
A lot of the time I find myself frowning at the thought of going out and evangelizing door-to-door because it just seems so futile. "Hi, I'm from the United States with a team of eight. Do you have a few minutes for me to share what God has been doing in my life? Alright sweet, see you later." Even if they do come to know Christ through my quick, watered-down testimony, how can I be sure they have really and truely surrendered their life to God? Becoming changed takes time. Yes, making the decision is a hard and enormous step to take, but if you don't continue up the staircase... you'll never get anywhere. I've realized, though, that even though I could share my testimony a million times I would never get any results unless God was with me and working in my audience. If I don't go out those million times, I'm stealing God's chances of rescuing His people, and who am I to deny Him anything?
Win (Wes's little brother), Steve Flockhart and his team from New Season church came that afternoon. They will all be here for the week, and it's been evangelism...evangelism...evangelism. I garuntee that this isn't what Win was expecting when he chose to come spend his February break in El Salvador with his big brother, but in the end I think he will be changed for the better by coming here. Saturday night we set up a little stage in a park. Win and I sat next to each other in the audience listening to the music and Pastor Steve's message. The entire time there was a homeless man named Alex sitting next to Win. He introduced himself, but because of the language barrier there was little real conversation. The entire time Alex sat next to Win, Win squirmed in his seat and was absolutely uncomfortable. Not because Alex was unclean. Not because Alex was bothering him. Not even because of his A.D.D. It was because Alex had no shoes on. I could see Win being convicted. He couldn't stand to see a man's feet bare and cracked because of so much hard use. Even though Steve's message was being translated into Spanish, you could tell the message wasn't getting to Alex, and so he got up and began to walk away. Win, without a second thought, followed him to the edge of the grass, stopped him and took the shoes off of his own feet and gave them to this man he knew nothing about. Alex, a man who would have walked away, hugged Win with the energy of a man who has experienced true kindness, and walked back to the chairs and receieved Christ. I got a glimpse of the kind of man Win will be someday, and I look forward to seeing him grow into that person. He is so like Wes in so many ways, and his ability to make friends whenever, wherever will, like Wes, allow him to show so many people the way to God. Not too shabby for a potential brother-in-law eh? ;)
That was Saturday, and after many activities, I have yet to really stand up and make an impact in someone's life. I know in my heart and soul that I have a story and a passion for God that He can use to change someone. I'm forcing myself to keep my head up, and know that as long as I keep myself open to His will, He will use me when the time is right.
All For His Glory,
Taylor
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I am Loved.
We so often describe love as some unatainable goal or a state of mind or a mushy feeling we experience every once in a while. We throw around the word love like it has no more significance than the word hamburger. When does love get the credit it deserves? Love is about caring for another human being, not necessarily a significant other, but anyone. A stranger walking down the street. Your parents and family. Your friends. Love is about giving someone the affection and devotion they deserve even when they don't do everything right, and especially when it seems like they do everything wrong. Love is about God. Love IS God. What greater act of love is there than Him giving His ONLY son for us on the cross, simply because He loves us that much.
Titus 3:5 "he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy..."
We did nothing to deserve it, and there is nothing we can do to deserve it. Not from God, not from anyone. Love is a choice. Love rises above all.
My family has struggled financially for a few years now, and I remember the day when wanting to work was the deciding factor in quitting softball my senior year of high school. Yes, I was already burnt out and the sport didn't hold the same spark for me as it used to, but I would have played simply because it was my senior year. Money won out. I remember the days when I would worry about my family and our house and if we were going to be able to keep it or not. I remember the days when I would wrack my brains trying to understand what had happened to my old life. Nowadays, money means absolutely nothing to me. Yes, in a lot of ways it is necessary to survive. I am not naive. I just know that in the end, you don't get to bring it with you. I refuse to slave away at a job I don't necessarily love so that I will have a hefty retirement fund waiting for me at the end of my working life. I want to spend my life glorifying God with a husband who loves me for who I am. I want to show the world and those who I love that life is about experiences and recognizing those moments when God's presence is tangible around us. My mom is coming here in May even though money is extremely tight still at home. Money comes and money goes, but experiences like she will get to have here come rarely, if never at all. If we lose the house I've spent my entire life in, so be it. If I lose some of the luxuries I've been blessed with my entire life, so be it. I have a beautiful and incredible family who loves me, a soulmate that I know in my heart that God made just for me and God, who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. How could I ever complain about having to work a few extra hours at Chick-fil-a, when people are starving in the streets around me right here in San Salvador? How could I ever question my mother's money spending methods when I've been within inches of a malnourished baby, who's skin was stretched so tight over it's hollow little cheek bones it almost didn't look human? How DARE I, have the nerve to consider my self anything but rich for having the ability to live an educated life full of love and Jesus?
Leah went home to the States today, because her father is in a coma in the hospital. Even though she has been scarred and maintains a rocky at best relationship with this man, she left without hesitation to be by his side. That is real love. Loving someone, no matter what they've done to you and no matter how much you just don't want to go through the sacrifice of love anymore, will never stop being worthwhile in the end. That is Jesus inspired love. Love is the end goal. Not money. Not nice things. Not even stability in a world and a life that is so fleeting compared to the promise of eternity. Love and a life that represents our passion for God is what we should be aiming for, despite what modern day society has deemed necessary for living "the good life".
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not loved, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
All For His Glory,
Taylor
Titus 3:5 "he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy..."
We did nothing to deserve it, and there is nothing we can do to deserve it. Not from God, not from anyone. Love is a choice. Love rises above all.
My family has struggled financially for a few years now, and I remember the day when wanting to work was the deciding factor in quitting softball my senior year of high school. Yes, I was already burnt out and the sport didn't hold the same spark for me as it used to, but I would have played simply because it was my senior year. Money won out. I remember the days when I would worry about my family and our house and if we were going to be able to keep it or not. I remember the days when I would wrack my brains trying to understand what had happened to my old life. Nowadays, money means absolutely nothing to me. Yes, in a lot of ways it is necessary to survive. I am not naive. I just know that in the end, you don't get to bring it with you. I refuse to slave away at a job I don't necessarily love so that I will have a hefty retirement fund waiting for me at the end of my working life. I want to spend my life glorifying God with a husband who loves me for who I am. I want to show the world and those who I love that life is about experiences and recognizing those moments when God's presence is tangible around us. My mom is coming here in May even though money is extremely tight still at home. Money comes and money goes, but experiences like she will get to have here come rarely, if never at all. If we lose the house I've spent my entire life in, so be it. If I lose some of the luxuries I've been blessed with my entire life, so be it. I have a beautiful and incredible family who loves me, a soulmate that I know in my heart that God made just for me and God, who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. How could I ever complain about having to work a few extra hours at Chick-fil-a, when people are starving in the streets around me right here in San Salvador? How could I ever question my mother's money spending methods when I've been within inches of a malnourished baby, who's skin was stretched so tight over it's hollow little cheek bones it almost didn't look human? How DARE I, have the nerve to consider my self anything but rich for having the ability to live an educated life full of love and Jesus?
Leah went home to the States today, because her father is in a coma in the hospital. Even though she has been scarred and maintains a rocky at best relationship with this man, she left without hesitation to be by his side. That is real love. Loving someone, no matter what they've done to you and no matter how much you just don't want to go through the sacrifice of love anymore, will never stop being worthwhile in the end. That is Jesus inspired love. Love is the end goal. Not money. Not nice things. Not even stability in a world and a life that is so fleeting compared to the promise of eternity. Love and a life that represents our passion for God is what we should be aiming for, despite what modern day society has deemed necessary for living "the good life".
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not loved, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
All For His Glory,
Taylor
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